You break into a petting zoo once, to try and brush a goat’s teeth…and all of a sudden you’re banned for life.
*sighs*
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asked my bf how work was today
Hour 43 no smoking:
-No one is dead.
-Colors are more vivid.
-Country music makes sense.
-I’d suck a fart if it contained nicotine.
Twitter is an invention created by aliens so we don’t notice the period of time missing when they take us for experimentation.
Lead me not into temptation. Take my hand and I’ll show you a shortcut.
i am developing a ground brekaing new app called “MOneyWallet”, where you earn “Money Points” by mailing cash to my house
WIFE: My favorite jeans are too tight now.
ME: That sucks.
WIFE: You must have shrunk them in the wash.
ME: But, they weren’t even in the laun-
WIFE: …
ME: You’re right, I’m sorry.
me (checkin out at grocery store with 2 rotisserie chickens): hold up *i grab my phone although it didn’t ring* sure i’ll get 1 more chicken
Motherhood is the perfect combination of heart swelling pride and “I didn’t sign up for this.”
Emperor Nero had a distant cousin named Emperor Faro
RIP boiling water. You will be mist.
Protip: If your wife says don’t put your oversized grilling spatula and tongs in the dishwasher, just hand wash them, she means right then.
Note to future self:
Tequila is a liar.
You do not sound exactly like Axl Rose & the people at karaoke will not catch you if you stage dive
one time my cousin greg put on two jean jackets and he exploded, there was mustache everywhere
*walks into Babies R Us*
Hi I’d like to buy a baby.
“Sir we don’t-”
*I slide him a 100 dollar bill*
“This way please.”
It’s easy to lie to people.
My phone was dead. I mailed it 2 weeks ago. Your baby is so cute.
Hello, I dinged your car. The people watching me leave this note probably think I’m leaving you my name & number.
Signed, Guess Who.
If you ever hear me tell another mom to enjoy her young children because “it goes so fast” remind me to punch myself in the face
This morning my daughter lost her watch, mask, homework book, hairbrush and my will to live
MAN!! My boss is always “Blah blah blah”, “You’re late”, and “Get me more pictures of Spiderman!!”
Dear Middle School,
How about a separate science fair for kids who did their own projects?
Sincerely,
Parent Who Can’t Build A Robot
I don’t know why friends and family keep getting pregnant when I have two kids right here they can have.
this is one of the absolute funniest things hozier’s ever done and i stand by that
*takes you to Starbucks to remember your name..
Gluten-free, low salt, no sugar all-natural whole grain bread?
The only thing “natural” about this product is the urge to get away from it.
“LEEEEET’S GET READY TO TUUUUUUMBLE!!!”
-wet laundry
Me: I won’t eat the brownies until you get home
Brownies: you lied
THERAPIST: your problem is, that youre perfect, and everyone is jealous of your good posts, and that makes you rightfully upset.
ME: I agree
hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger! oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
Moist people aren’t offended by the occasional typo.
Remembering the time the hubs and I bought a bunch of candy for Halloween but no kids came to our door so we just drove around town begging kids to come get it from our car….Probably coulda used another brainstorming sesh on that one