Am I winning or losing at parenting if my 3yo says, “ooohhh chicken nuggets!” as I pull up to the security booth at a gated community?
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I secretly hope that twitter keeps extending the character limit as a social experiment, slowly conditioning our attention spans until we’re able to read actual books again
Why do you have a peloton sticker on your car?
ARE YOU PEDALING??
why pay kristen stewart millions of dollars when a cardboard cutout of kristen stewart will give the exact same performance for free
knock knock
who’s there
Reggie
Reggie who?
The Reggie-stry of sex offenders requires me to tell you that I just moved into the neighborhood
We need more names like Benedict Cumberbatch:
Omelet Easydozen
Florentine Pepperbatter
Instead of smiling and nodding through a conversation, try clapping and nodding. People will stop talking to you.
It’s amazing how many people can hit pine trees and drive with them still hanging on their car roofs. Like nothing happened.
[going down a slide at 4]: yayyyyyyyyyyy
[going down a slide at 40]: tell my storyyyyyyyy
Marriage is telling your partner they’re wrong but in an optimistic way.
Oh my God. Where are you?
Car keys: LMFAO
9yo: Mom, what did you do before you had kids?
Me: Slept in.
Everyone loves their weighted blankets and talks about loving feeling all wrapped up but as soon as I mention wearing socks to bed everyone’s like noo I don’t want to feel constricted my feet must be freee
Caveman: “So what do you call it?”
Caveman2: “I call it burny light.”
Caveman: “that’s terrible. You’re fired from the naming committee.”
Caveman2 “wait… say that again…”
Do you know where mansplainers get their water from?
Well, actually…
✌️
Q-tips have a wide variety of household uses
[parent-teacher conference] *tries to quietly open a can of beer*
If you enjoy “naked and afraid”, check the the streaming of my new hit show: barefoot and mildly annoyed
Aries: You will be visited by three ghosts this Christmas. They’re all married, so don’t even ask.
DECORATOR: Now I’ve finished the job can I come over and take some pictures?
ME: Of course. I’ll miss you too.
DECORATOR: I meant of my work
Mom A at the park: We allow 1 hour of screen time a week
Mom B: We are a screen-free home
Me: My daughter named her new doll PBS Kids Dot Org
“Put your pants on grandma, you’re scaring the reptiles!”
– Me, camping
Oh yeh? Explain this then
I’m gaining weight for my role as “‘Before’ picture”
When it comes to eating sandwiches, I am the anticrust.
Hello consequences, my actions went that way.
WhatsApp: Here use this status – “At the Gym”
Me: you wish!
“Full House fans have found a 1993 episode of the show called “Be True To Your Preschool”. In it, Loughlin’s Aunt Becky stops Uncle Jesse (John Stamos) from lying to get their toddler twins into an ‘elite preschool'”
AAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHA
I hate it when people go round quoting the bible. I haven’t even read it yet, but somehow folks think it’s cool to give key plot points away
I can’t stop laughing at this photo my friend posted of an iguana eating her guacamole at a resort in Cabo. It brings me such joy. And the people looking on with horror/laughter are the chef’s kiss.