Me: *snarl* Sorry. Been dealing with a work deadline, a pandemic, full-time distant learning, & trying to make sure my kid’s sole understanding of current events isn’t constructed by random youtubers & internet memes
Person: So, does that mean you’re busy?
Me: *laughing*
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You ever watch a scary movie and then go to bed but need to watch cartoons first as a palate cleanser?
My kids have been helping our neighbors in their garden and now I’m having Children of the Corn flashbacks.
Just when you think you’re raising a normal child, one day you look at your 10 y/o and she’s biting into the middle of the taco first.
Alexa: *deep breath*
Sometimes I feel so bad about not being perfect but then I remember people who expect you to be perfect all the time are exhausting and then I scratch my armpits like a monkey.
I can’t stop laughing at this
When you hear those 4 awful words:
‘Break into small groups’
If you ever have 17 hours to kill, ask someone freshly inked what their tattoo means.
If you add orange juice to Jason Momoa you get a Jason Mimosa.
“Try to be more socially interactive”, they said
“Engage with the wider community”, they said
“You have the right to remain silent”, they said
Do you think it’s possible to train a hedgehog to walk up an down the table with cubes of cheese on it’s spikes? I’m giving a dinner party.
Indoor water parks full of kids in diapers for when you want to catch a case of name that bacterial infection
To everyone who wrote “stay cool” in my middle school year book…I have some devastating news
Computer problems can be solved with duct tape if you apply it directly to the mouth of the person asking you to help fix their computer.
Me: mic is short for microphone
My kid: so my uncle’s name is Microphone?!
[penguin waddles into computer repair store]
“Hi yes my laptop is frozen”
…
Computer repair guy – “how did you get to Milwaukee”
That pet Koala is like, “Ain’t y’all pets too?”
Alright, I know you’re all wary of funding another Jurassic Park when all the others have ended in disaster, but I have 3 words that will blow your mind: Chance the Velocirapper
interviewer: can you type fast?
me: yes, that and SEVERAL other words
Can someone help I just stepped into an elevator with Slayer and they won’t stop staring
the nice thing about always being late is never having to worry about getting worms
I sent an email saying “I see you all in prison tomorrow” instead of “in person tomorrow” and I’m pretty sure that’s the worst typo a judge can send to counsel.
What if “my anaconda don’t want none unless you got buns, hun” was just Sir Mix-a-Lot saying that his pet snake is a picky eater and prefers bunnies.
7’s new favorite animal is the spider.
He tells me fact after fact about them, he’s made the background of his school iPad a spider, and he shows me pictures constantly.
I’ve been a pretty good mom, so I’m not sure what I did to deserve this.
are u even at the cheesecake factory if there isn’t a group of unsupervised 15 year old girls there dressed like they’re going to the met gala
Fun fact: if you say “I did the math,” nobody argues with you because they don’t want to have to redo the math themselves.
*sees lost cat*
Hey buddy you lost
*reads tag*
there’s a phone number
*dials number*
*little cell phone in cats pocket starts ringing*
I don’t know why people say Twitter isn’t a dating app. I’ve encountered plenty of available married men here.
I’m sure I would have won that werewolf impersonation contest, if only the judges had survived.