When I get home the first thing I’m going to do is rip my wife’s panties off. Because too small and the elastic is killing me.
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Cthulhu is just the sound I make when I’m trying to reply to the dentist.
I just love that new Pope smell.
I’m a dirty bird.
*shits on your windshield*
Last night, I took a sip of water and a spider crawled on my lip! I no longer drink water, have lips or live here.
Manager: Your fired
Me: *You’re
Manager: How did you know I spelled it wrong if I spoke it out loud
Me: How did you know I corrected you
People in my neighborhood think I’m power walking, but really I’m just trying to get home to poop.
NATURE DOCUMENTARY NARRATOR: After the python has consumed a huge meal, it’s reduced mobility can leave it open to predation.
ME: It’s fullnerable.
WIFE: Get out.
so im jus chilig on a ledge premtendig to be gargoyle when these firemen show up tellig me dont jump but they got a big trampoline so idk
The hardest part about Halloween dinner is the buttering of the candy corn.
[girl chatting up guy at bar]
girl: so what do you do?
magician: i halve a girlfriend
Instead of writing ‘many thanks’ at the end of an email, specify the number of thanks, eg “18 thanks”. The personal touch will be appreciated
Detective: The robber broke into the Popeye’s but didn’t take any money, in fact no one has seen him leave.
Me *disguised as a cop*: Weird, right? We should put the fried chicken and red beans and rice in my Corolla for protective custody.
Me: Ok kids, vacation time!!
Kids: Yay!
M: See you in a week!
*slams door*Kids: …
Cartoon orange juice is just pulp fiction
I only shop at yard sales for haunted family heirlooms & lingerie.
Me: oh wow, do I detect just a hint a peppermint?
Cellmate: *stabbing me in the neck with a Candy Cane shiv* what is wrong with you?!
me: I Love You!!
oldest: I love you too!!
middle: *silence*
youngest: Thank you.
I’m not trying to sound like a conspiracy theorist but isn’t a little suspicious these hurricanes keep happening in alphabetical order??
All I’m saying is, there are too many songs about love and not enough songs about evenly layered nachos.
Bowser: Honey, the toilet’s clogged
Wife: Call someone to fix it
Bowser: *dialing number* Well this is gonna be awkward
stop
When you catch someone picking their nose it’s important that you maintain eye contact so they know you know.
*Googles Yahoo*
Google: Wow. I’m right here
Oh Good..the Cats replacement head is here
You can’t fix everything, you’re not a giant asteroid.
My mom was in town and stopped by with a ‘mom care package’ several days ago.
It included clean wipes because “they’re handy when you know a shower isn’t going to happen.”
I now smell like a toddler.
I’m at my sexiest when I choke on rice and a piece gets lodged at the back of my nose and I’m snorting and sniffing and blowing to try and dislodge it.
Bartender: What’ll It be?
Stephen King: A novel at first, then a tv miniseries, then a movie.
*gets into any creepy van*
*Gets kicked out*
Who called it “online shopping while sitting on the toilet”
And not “buyarrhea”