Happy Birthday Abraham Lincoln.
If he were alive today, Abraham would be 210 years old and 77 feet tall.
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“My Ex is amazing in all ways. My Ex is smarter, more successful, and more attractive than I am.”
– bumper sticker I put on my Ex’s car
Why you on this flight to LA?
“I’m shooting a pilot for a new TV series”
What’s it called?
“So you think you can emergency land a plane?”
“Help yourself!”
– people who don’t want to help you
Alien: We come in peace
Human: Aw man, we hate that
Wife: how’s potty training been today?
Me: he peed twice!
Wife: that’s great!
Me: *covered in piss* no, it’s not.
Yup
* on a date snuggling *
Me: Did you enjoy dinner?
Her: Yeah, but now I feel fat.
Me: Get your hands off my belly.
her: i’m going to a concert
me: to see who
her: Bad English
me: sorry, to see whom
The fridge drawer is marked “crisper” but it is pronounced “rotter.”
I like to listen to Anu Malik’s music while I study because he is a constant reminder on why it’s important to get educated.
My husband asked if I had a new year’s resolution and I told him it was to not yell at the kids and then we both fell about laughing
when my sister was like 5 she wrote a note to the easter bunny that said “happy easter are you a boy or a girl” and my mom left a typed note that said “sorry i can’t read i’m just a bunny”
Dispatcher:
“The call is coming from inside the house!”Me, seconds from murdered:
“I have a landline?”
[orders 2,000 Big Macs thinking I’ll only have to tell my mom ‘I love her’ for them]
Cashier: that’ll be $5,364.32
Me: shit
I triple waxed for this?
GUY WHO INVENTED JACK-O-LANTERNS: I bet this gourd would be cooler if it looked like it wanted to murder me.
Everyone asks me when I’m gonna start a family but no one asks me when I’m gonna stop a family
Hates everyone who has a cooler birthstone than mine.
It doesn’t come up often in the movie, but one weapon we have against Predator is a handful of glitter
Our youngest is making herself a smoothie so long story short does anyone know how to clean blueberries off your ceiling?
Ironically, my toys are also called Buzz and Woody
Black Mirror S05E01
January 20, 2021:
[fade in on TV set]
President-elect Kanye walks onstage, nods to V.P. Kanye, and places hand on a Bible held by Judge Kanye.
[cut to]
Kanye, arm around Kanye, turns off TV, tosses remote, and leans over to pet Kanye, who wags his tail.
[Yelp review for Mario Bros Plumbing]
Ate my mushrooms, killed ALL my turtles, stole my coin collection. 1 star.
-Bowser K.
Find out what flavor of ice cream your kids hate and learn to love it. You will thank me for this later you’re welcome
Me: What music you into?
Date: I love hip hop
Me: Yeah me too
[thinking of something to say to impress her]
Me: Soup Dogg is my cousin
The Dark Web implies the existence of a Medium and dare I say Blonde Roast Web.
i hope my 2 grandmothers dont find out about each other
Her: OMG my feet are sooo cold, like ice!
Me: No, don’t put them on m-… gahhh!Repeat until I die, she assures me it was in the wedding vows.
LADY: this spaghetti is a little overdone
SERVER: you’re a DOG
There’s a fine line between myth and reality and booze blurs it nicely.