I used to be sad about the climate apocalypse but i went on a few dates and, honestly, i’m ready now
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You’re supposed to be Norwegian! I angrily whisper at my freezing hands that won’t stop shaking so I can drink my coffee.
Seductively sings in Klingon.
Any bar can be a dive-bar if you wear a snorkel
I go back to work tomorrow, ending my 91 day weekend.
6y/o: I don’t want to be a hunter when I grow up. I don’t want to kill animals anymore.
Me: ANYMORE!? *googling serial killer warning signs*
They offered me money to promote a product in my Twitter account, but my dignity is strong, as Axion “The true grease stain remover”
ME: [gets into a car accident]
EMT: Sir, please step out of the vehicle, we’re trying to save lives
INTERVIEWER: you got the job when can you start
ME: this year for sure
I ran into a friend who asked how distance learning has been going with my kid. I whined about the horrorfest this morning (trying to teach 8th grade common core math.) I gave an example but my friend didn’t understand so I began explaining. Then it hit me I was teaching it AGAIN
I am *this* close to adopting a bunch of cats and opening a bed & breakfast called HairBnB.
Wife: You’re not using the instructions to build the bookcase?
Husband: Nope, I’m doing it entirely shelf-taught, haha
Wife: *eyes fixate on hammer*
My son has stolen my iPad to play minecraft. Please retweet this so the notifications disrupt his playing.
My lack of pants is nobody’s business.
Thoughts and prayers for my dog. The mail carrier showed up today like she does everyday.
My girlfriend once made me change because I was wearing green pants with a blue shirt. “You look like the earth,” she said.
Maybe I’m driving around with my coffee on the roof because I want to cool it down. YOU DON’T KNOW.
I was doing a bench press and a spider dropped on my face.
Not dropping the weights is now my greatest accomplishment in life.
Okay, OKAY, I’ll take “I did it all for the nookie” off my résumé.
sorry but if you’re walking slower than me on the sidewalk, you’re my enemy. walking faster than me? also my enemy. now if you’re walking at the same speed as me… hmm yeah I’m thinking enemy
A telemarketer just called my cell phone.
I pretended to be a phone sex operator.
HE didn’t hang up.
…things got awkward.
Whenever I get mad at my husband, I go unravel all of his extension cords.
Tip for drowning your enemies:
Paint pictures of people yawning on the bottom of their swimming pool.
me: why are you leaving me Barbar?
Barbara: because after 11 years you can’t get my name right
me: but I love you Brabra
“Wow you’re one of the nicest old ladies I’ve ever met!”- me, loudly to a random old lady so my mom can hear
Why are all of these OnlyFans accounts following me? I’m not going to pay for your nudes, I can look at myself naked in the mirror for free
There weren’t any open tables at this sports bar so I yelled “Chad, you left your Jeep lights on!” and now I can sit wherever I want.
I’m into the “girl next door” type. Until the restraining order takes effect and I have to move.
Then I’m into the “cute, angry girl that’s always 50ft away from me” type.
[at the ballet]
“Their feet must be killing them. Why don’t they just hire taller ballerinas?”
Me:Everything you know about me is a lie.Coworker:So you didnt dance naked in the fountain at the mall?Me: Everything other than that.
Another great day of being Everyone’s Personal Assistant. Today I helped a young man in his search for love ❤️👍