Gotta respect birds, living in trees means they completely avoid paying property tax.
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I read all your bumper stickers and now we’re both stupid.
“Well this is silly”
– me describing a window sill
My sports team is better than your sports team!
“Is not!”
Is too!
“IS NOT!”
*pulls out giant foam finger*
Whoa man, be cool
he was a gator boy
she said catch you later boy
she was with animal control
okay run it by me one more time
When my wife says “oh hi it’s nice to meet you” to my coworkers it’s code for I know all the jerk things you’ve done
Someone just said “can you imagine what it must have been like to have been old enough to remember the royal wedding?!”
and i thought they were talking Charles and Diana.
but they meant Will and Kate ☠️
women and their purses! haha what’s in there. tampons? lol. WATER? sweater? got sweaters? do you have an extra men’s medium sweater in there
I THOUGHT IT WAS AN EDIBLE
Live each day like it’s going to be the opening line of your eulogy
My wife still brings up that one time in 2013 I was indecisive about which shirt to wear, after her water broke
“we serve breakfast all day” no you don’t, you serve eggs and pancakes for dinner, which is totally fine, but let’s not lie to ourselves
Don’t you hate when you do something out of the kindness of your heart & someone gets upset because you shoved a pack of gum in their mouth?
You don’t have to say “I love you too,” pizza man.
But it was nice of you.
Putting out my traditional Garbage Day decorations.
I like to mute CNN and imagine they’re arguing about what appetizer, or appetizers, to order at TGIFridays.
The time between the nurse leaving the room and the doctor entering is for exploring and trying out as many tools as possible
I bet Stephen King’s kids aren’t afraid of shit.
My aunt unfriended me on Facebook so I can guarantee you that I will bring it up and ruin Thanksgiving this year.
Please accept this lovely parting gift as our way of encouraging you to leave.
WIFE: *reading headline* Bird flu in America
ME: *not looking up from my phone* Birds fly in every country, Sharon.
My wife suggested taking Ecstasy to help with sex and so far she’s banged three neighbors and the UPS guy
Jim: What shall we name our new playground invention?
Roy: Idk. The playground business sure is a Jungle, Jim.
Jim: …Say that again.
[Jesus breaks bread]
This is my body[Jesus pours wine]
This is my blood[Jesus brings out Alex Trebek]
and THIS. IS. JEOPARDY.
Went to HR to complain about my coworkers but my mom said she can’t fire my kids
Try my 6 ways to be a millionaire by 40. They wont work, but try them.
Clearly something went amiss when I said I liked an animal in the bedroom and he showed up with a raccoon.
In spite of what you might have heard, some pretty magical things happen behind dirty dumpsters in shady alleys.
[saturday, 5am]
no one:
no one at all:
delivery truck: I AM BACKING UP!!!!
5-year-old: Why are we here?
Me: Philosophers still don’t know
5: No, why are we HERE
Wife: Your dad is lost and won’t ask for directions