I don’t understand why people get embarrassed buying condoms. It’s much more awkward trying to return them. “Uhm… she didn’t like me.”
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Rest of world: don’t do anything crazy plz
UK: fk u we used to own u watch this
*does backflip
*money falls out of pockets
*cracks head open
When you ask a 3 y/o “why are you holding the butter wrapper?” best find the answer quickly
Mary has her cakes…
Sandra has her cookies…
single because i didn’t forward that chain mail in 2008
“Single use consumables are destroying the planet,” I yelled at her as I tossed another condom into the washing machine.
MY WIFE:We named you after our favorite songs. You were mine
LAYLA: I love that
ME: And you mine
THEME FROM DUCKTALES: No, yeah, I figured
Mom (on phone): your uncle had a heart attack. he was playing tag with his grandkids
Me: oh no
Mom: it was a little touch and go for a while
Me: are you seriously explaining tag to me right now
Son: Facebook is for old people.
Me: That’s not true, pretty much everyone I know is on i- …oh…
There are 2 words that have opened a lot of doors for me in my life.
Push and Pull.
They say if you love something you should let it go, but I don’t think this pastrami sandwich will come back to me, so I’m just eating it.
7: *walks into the house, holding $20 in one hand & keys in the other
Me: What kind of sales pitch did you use on your PaPa to get that?
7: I need $20 and your car keys.
I made my preteen wear long pants in freezing weather this morning and subsequently ruined his “street cred”
Snapes on a plane.
Before company arrives we like to clean our house so there’s no evidence that we live like circus monkeys the other 364 days of the year!
*adds alone time to my Amazon wishlist*
“What do you see in him?”
– me to the x-ray tech imaging my kid
Roy Batty: “I’ve seen things you people wouldn’t believe.”
*opens Twitter*
[ten minutes later]
“I take it back. You people would believe anything.”
The guy in the car behind me is really taking a no man left behind approach to picking his nose
I’m trying to be more fit these days, so now I walk inside the store to buy my donuts instead of using the drive-thru.
*listening to music at the beach*
6yo: Dad, can you play Baby Shark?
Me: No, I don’t have that song I can’t play it.
6yo: You can play it you just don’t want to hear it so you’re lying.
Me: That is correct, yes.
I’m no body language specialist but I would interpret Gary Busey’s smile as saying, “I may or may not have eaten your parakeet.”
Got suspended from Instagram for going on everyone’s food pics and posting the calories.
Introverted vegans go meetless
At this month’s meeting of The Corporate Billionaires of America club, we will be discussing cutting-edge ideas such as, “should we be charging an extra fee to slice the pizza.”
Clerk: Sir this is an awful lot of cheese for one person.
Me: What?
C: You should be ashamed of yourself, panic buying is not the answer.
M: Panic buying? Um, what are you talking about, 7 blocks of cheese is a normal week for me.
C:
M:
C: Have a nice day
The struggle is real in NY #Snowmageddon2015 #snowpocalypse
Apple CEO announces he’s gay. Samsung CEO announces he’s more gay and water resistant.
Mortal Kombat was inspired by parents who co-sleep with their children
There’s a reason we say cheese and not salad when we have to smile for a photo.
If your twitter husband commits twittercide does that make you a twidow?
Asking for a friend.