Mom I get nervous on dates & always sweat.
“Wear something that doesn’t show stains”
[5 hours later] How was your date?
She hated my poncho.
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a well-meaning but misguided stranger said my kids were so good they must go to church and my 6yo said, with the deadpan delivery of a trained actor, “what’s church”
We should double tap 2020 to make sure it’s really dead
This whiskey tastes like my neighbours will be listening to Metallica.
If we could harness the fake enthusiasm put towards wishing people a happy birthday on Facebook, we could power half the planet.
Preparing for Back to School season by getting my 5th grader a new wardrobe, new backpack, and helping him invent a Canadian girlfriend
The endings of Lost and Game of Thrones each cost me a television.
he asked “what are we?” i said we the best
I am an ordinary woman with a simple dream: Replace all public water fountains with cascading fountains of melted Brie, Cheddar, maybe Gouda.
An episode of Unsolved mysteries, but it’s just parenting a teenaged boy and trying to figure out why you’re out of moisturizer again.
Therapist: so your parents also suffered from depression?
Me: no they both liked it
Everyone was sick in my house for a month and finally better and then my daughter coughed so I jumped off the balcony.
You can always win an argument if you set them on fire.
Washing instructions: Hand wash only.
Me: We’ll see about that.
Cinematography is my passion
BREAKING: Scientists send teen girl back in time to report on WWII. “Hitler’s haircut is literally the worst,” she writes. “Also he’s mean.”
starting to think my starbucks boyfriend is asking other girls their name too.
August 8
Jurassic Park came out 30 years ago, and now I feel like the fossil.
Some dude told me he’s had 100 times more girls than me which made me laugh so much because 100 x 0 is still 0.
A fun way to “Break up” is to tell them to “Go long” and then never throw them the football.
Dad: It’s atomic number is 26. Oh, and it’s chemical symbol is FE
Son: Wow! How do you know so much about iron?
Dad: Well it’s in my blood
Wife says I shouldn’t look at my phone in public because I get distracted and lose track of her and the kids. Can’t wait to tell her how wrong she is, once I find them at this Farmer’s Market.
Ghosting my landlord by hiding in the walls and haunting the property when he tries to have someone else move in
hikers: a yeti oh my god don’t eat us ahhh!
adorable snowman: rawr
hikers: awwww
*starts eating them*
hikers: AWWWW
There you go again, overusing big words like some kind of tweeting sesquipedalian.
Idiot.
ACTORS’ TIP: can’t afford headshots? run a red light and use the photo they mail you. as a bonus you can add “driving stunts” to your resume
Add “af” to the end of all business emails for maximum corporate whimsy
I don’t care what anybody says, my six hours of Black Friday shopping saved me at least $7.50.
I could defuse a bomb if it sounded like an alarm clock and I was sleeping.
Them: The tequila made me do it.
Me: The tequila helped me do it.We are not the same.