[me narrating a documentary about narrators]
“I can’t hear what they’re saying cuz I’m talking”
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Saw a store that has a sign that reads, “We treat you like family!”
Yup, NOT going in there.
[alternative timeline]
Art teacher: you’re expelled from art school
Hitler: [clenches fists]
Subway manager: [taps him on shoulder] what if I told you you can still be an artist
Are we sure the wise men who brought frankincense and myrrh weren’t just trying to sign Mary up for their essential oils pyramid scheme?
The guy with the worst grades should get to give a graduation speech too. Let me hear both sides
I told my wife I wanted a ferret, and the very idea made her so mad that for a second I thought I had mistakenly brought home a ferret.
My toxic trait is wanting things I can’t have, like sleep and lactose
my mom gave me a whistle in case you guys start giving me advice
If you’re looking for someone to drop and spill everything, all the time, I’m your guy.
(Going to Wife’s Work Party)
WIFE: Don’t just be quiet like last time.
(Later at Dinner)
ME: Did you know marsupials are not a kind of soup?
Dog pulled my shorts down, and now there are no secrets between me and the guy who delivers dog food
“President Clinton, can you respond to rumors of renewed infidelity?”
The only woman in my life is my darling *squints at notecard* Hitlery
*email from Amazon*
Your package has arrived! To see a picture of the delivery, click HERE
Your front door was faded. For suggested paint colors, click HERE
Your dog was loud. To browse calming treats, click HERE
We saw you changing clothes. To shop for curtains, click HERE
babe what’s wrong you haven’t moved an inch in six months and you smell really bad
[third date]
Her: please quit calling me Jenny
Me: oh my apologies Jennifer
Her: my name is Amanda
Blending in with the normals like:
Her: A baby! Oh he’s so cute I want to pinch his cheeks! Can I hold him?
Her: Oh my God I could just eat him up!
Me: I also wish to cannibalize the infant
{first date}
Me: On my ACTUAL first date, Brian Beckwith caught a turtle for me and kissed me on the cheek
Date:…
Me: I’ve been chasing that high since kindergarten
Date: *leaves*
*Son storms in
‘DAD! Teacher told me that hibernation is NOT a country of stoner bears and that you’re to stop helping me with my homework’
I am leaving Twitter. I can’t take all the political banter and the mean and nasty things people say on here anymore. I will be back in an hour.
Why would my wife ask if I was wearing this shirt when it’s already on? Stop talking in secret code.
Me: We’re only here for a short while, so we should love one another and hold each other as much as possible.
Guy in back of elevator: Can you just press 19?
My husband likes to tell me he doesn’t want to have sex by waiting for me to bring up the last bag of groceries before asking if I need help
“Do you moan when you eat?”
Me, making small talk in an elevator
Todd on Facebook hates being sick.
Really Todd? Most people love it.
All I really hope for at this point is to never be in a situation where my flight number ends up the title of a movie.
I’m eating quinoa for lunch so I better wake up skinny tomorrow because I’m not doing this again
I couldn’t figure out how I cut my arm but then I realized I brushed arms with the guy with the barbwire tattoo.
If she says “I have a question but don’t lie”, just know that she already has eight photos, three witnesses, a voice message and eighty six screenshots.
*A guide to 1st dates*
Thanks for coming over.
Let me give you the tour.
This is my bedroom.
The top drawer is yours.
Where are you going?
Me as a lawyer: your honor, stfu cause you wasn’t even there