Bruce Banner with his hand stuck in a Pringles can, getting more and more frustrated
You Might Also Like
Feeling stressed out?
Make a nice cup of hot tea and then spill it in the lap of whoever’s bugging you.
Real men don’t need guns. One time I beat a burglar to death with a sleeve of Ritz crackers and used the crumblings for a casserole crust.
[during prison riot] guys we don’t need to swear
Me: *meeting a priest* Nice dress, bro.
Eight months since I had laser eye surgery. Still no lasers.
Just watched a mosquito suck my blood then throw up.
Ref: Call it in the air..
*flips coin*
Me: A QUARTER.
I’m currently trying not to let wearing my new Grinch onesie become my entire personality. It is surprisingly difficult.
The next person who says I’m using chopsticks incorrectly can cut this umbilical cord themselves
There’s trash talk, then there’s this.
coworker: you should try my therapist.
me: i’ve seen their work. no thanks.
With literally no way of knowing if you were cursed by an evil witch as a baby, why would you take a spinning class?
Why do other moms at the playground get all snotty if you ask their husband to push you when you’re on a swing?
Me, alone in a soundproof room within another soundproof room: *slowly and carefully tears open candy wrapper*
Kids: WHATCHA EATING?!?
Me: I must warn you, I’m like an animal in bed.
Her: That’s fine by me!
*burrows under the covers and falls asleep at the foot of the bed*
Pro Tip: don’t buy cheap duct tape. Your basement guests can chew right through that.
And on the 8th day, God created atheists and said, “Oh man, you’re not gonna believe this.”
Cop: *looks at license* Says here you need glasses.
Me: I have contacts.
Cop: I don’t care who you know, you’re not getting out of this one.
I was going to delete that tweet with the typo but then I realized it was upsetting people.
My coworker’s nose is whistling as he breathes and that fact alone should allow me to cop a sweet plea deal for what’s about to happen here
Drawing faces on light bulbs so a face finally lights up when I walk in a room.
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos.
My wife must have some big surprise vacation planned.
She left a note by the bed telling me I had until tomorrow to have my bags packed.
ME What’s a penguins favourite relative? Aunt Arctica!
PENGUIN . .
ME [makes flies over head motion]
PENGUIN I don’t know what that means
squirrels pondering the nature of why they end up on the wire they just jumped from a moment ago
Our forefathers fought against British rule so anyone can become president. For the first time in 240 years, we’re regretting that decision.
ME: This is false advertising. I’ve been here an hour and nobody has even touched me. So lonely.
COP: Again, not what a holding cell is for
If you think you’re having a bad day, the lady who took my order in the drive-thru asked me if my order was to go.
So your kid can speak 3 languages?
That’s great. Mine can speak lizard.
Save some Fritos for later by keeping them stuck in your molars.