Taking a break from my mental health to focus on Twitter
You Might Also Like
I’m out here scooping up street salt and repurposing it to margaritas as God intended.
I’m gonna scream “AVENGE ME!!!” and then just die of natural causes
Yes indeed, I am a morning person. Morning naps are my favorite
Daughter: You’re invading my personal space
Mom: You came out of my personal space
Me: *Making a wish as I throw a quarter into the fountain*
Coworker: He’s ruining the fondue again!
Him: Can you forgive me?
*mental montage of me trying to figure out who this guy is*
Me: Yes, but I’m really hurt so please give me time.
Demonstrated a somersault for my kid and almost died.
Kid, when asked to do a chore: “I hope this isn’t gonna become a habit.”
Through repetition and sheer will I’ve mastered gracefully falling on my head
I was not prepared for how terrifying this Invasion of the Body Snatchers remake would be.
Me: I could really use a hug rn.
Bear: …okay.
Me: Ahhhh…no…too much! That’s too much!
“Always leave her wanting more” doesn’t mean eat the last of the nachos, jerk.
As it turns out, if you’re with a group of people, it’s “Christmas caroling.” If you do it alone it’s “creating a public nuisance.”
Romeo: …arise fair sun, and kill the envious moon
*Romeo slides an envelope of money over*
Romeo: *whispers* make it look like an accident
[swimming]
friend: shark!
me: relax, you’re more likely to be killed by a bus than killed than by a shark
shark: *driving out of control bus into the ocean*
me: well I’ll be damned
They updated the Raggedy Ann doll to Swaggedy Ann. She comes with an iPhone, divorced parents, and 3 pairs of heelys
Magician: I’d like a volunteer to be cut in half
Me: I’ll do it
Magician: You’ll never love anyone as much as you did Emily
Me: *crying* He’s good
Wife: What
Me: I’m sort of a chicken magnet
Him: Don’t you mean chick magn-
*sounds of distant bawk-bawking*
Me: We have to go NOW
People that still call into radio stations are probably doing it from house phones.
When a store says “trusted since 1982” I just wonder what shady shit they were up to in 1981.
DATE: I want to date someone that loves the ocean
MY BRAIN: say you like swimming
MY MOUTH: the Titanic was an inside job
*in the front row of a James Blunt concert raising a sign that says THANK YOU every time he sings the words ‘You’re Beautiful’
[Bunch of 6 year olds knock on my door]
“TRICK OR TREAT!”
You kids are in for a real treat…
*slips each of them a copy of my demo tape*
Hendrix didn’t need to twerk on stage. He performed the old fashioned way, relying only on his musical talents and near lethal doses of LSD.
Don’t regret past mistakes. All of your decisions, good and bad, led you to where you are today.
Disregard this if you are in prison.
Terrifying if taken literally – if these walls could talk.
Side Effects May Include: upset stomach, diarrhea, a tail, some hooves, ok so you might turn into a horse
I can be back in bed in about 16 hours.
~me, every time my alarm goes off
There was an episode of the Flintstones where a mechanic worked on Fred’s car HEY FRED YOURE GETTING RIPPED OFF THERE IS NO ENGINE IN THERE
Lmao my first taste of adulthood was learning you had to actually pay for Microsoft office. I had be using it for free my whole life as a student. It didn’t even occur to me it cost money to have it at home