Her: I <3 you.
Me: I… I sideways balls you too.
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People who live in glass houses should install frosted glass around the toilet part.
Dad: “GO TO YOUR ROOM NOW!”
Child: *storms off* “JIM MORRISON WAS OVERRATED!”
Dad: “WHAT DID I TELL YOU ABOUT SLAMMING THE DOORS!?”
Zoom Staff Meeting
Boss: Everyone staying fit?
Bob: I have a home gym!
Carol: I have Zoom Cross Fit sessions.
Me: I have a vigorous moisturizing routine.
Every so often, someone in the know has a momentary lapse in judgment, and you get a glimpse of what geopolitics in the 21st century is actually like.
This is one of the most illuminating tweets ever in that regard:
me: there’s more than one way to skin a cat
my friend: w-why do u know that
In a car crash a dog would rescue you.
However a cat would pour liquor over your face and testify against you in court.
rich people: i want to help
everyone: donate your money
rich people: if only there was something i could do
everyone: donate your money
rich people: some sort of gesture
everyone: donate. your. money.
rich people: here’s the lyrics to “same love” superimposed over a sunset!
Canadian: spell colour
American: no u spell color
Canadian: u
American: no u
I think I am adventurous until I have to follow a detour or park in a tight lot
My teen said she wants to go to the mall with me so we can spend time together, and then the credit cards in my purse laughed and laughed.
Reduce your kids intake of sugary, fizzy drinks by shaking up the can before handing it to them.
If you spotted a white guy with headphones throwing gang signs on the subway today, that was just me listening to the soundtrack of Frozen
There’s no “I” in angel.
But there is one in devil!
well, Sam. It’s been a helluva day. A helluva day! Hit me, again.
Taken 4: How does this shit keep happening
producer [at a stuntman’s funeral]: he died for our scenes.
[spider walking into first spin class] What’s the deal with the bikes?
What do you mean my cats can’t be dependents on my taxes?!
I feed them, clothe them, & care for them!
CPA: You clothe them?
Shut it hater.
There’s Angie, and then there’s Drunk Angie, and one of us tried to make it to Mexico on an exercise bike.
I told my doctor that my back was bothering me. He said, “Get a bar & hang”.
Now I’m hanging out in a bar & I admit, my back feels better.
probably should have split this into two separate stories guys
All I have ever wanted from a yogurt is to know who the cows are.
I can’t believe I got kicked out of chess club. I didn’t realize there were rules, I just thought the pieces fought like action figures. I shouldn’t have brought Wolverine.
my last girlfriend broke up wth me after she went through my phone and i refused to tell her why i searched for goth grandpas
12 decided he’s into vinyl, so he got a record player for Christmas. His new name is DJ TURNITDOWN!
ME: Can I have the job please
INTERVIEWER: I meant, like, questions ABOUT the job
ME: Ah, yes. About the job: Can I have it
Lois Lane survived until she was, like, 30, without Superman. Then she starts falling off buildings practically once a week.
I think Superman was pushing her.
wtf are you supposed to do when maintenance people come over your house? do I stand there and tell him he’s doing a good job?
drug lord: “ill email you when we make the drop, what’s your address?”
me: “[email protected]”
loud from my earpiece: “abort keith, abort”
“Bob’s here”
Bob the surgeon or Bob who just pretends he’s a surgeon?
“We only know one Bob and he’s an accountant”
*arm falls off*