I changed my mind..ππΎπͺπ
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Parenting books never prepared me for how much time Iβd spend arguing for kids to get into and then out of the shower.
bathroom attendant: *gives me soap and paper towels*
me: thanks
bathroom attendant: *gestures at basket with dollar bills*
me: oh right *takes $3* thanks!
I feel like something is missing from my life and I don’t know if it’s a person, a puppy, or just a burrito.
I’ve received so many Christmas cards from people I don’t know this year, probably because they weren’t addressed to me.
My house has been so messy lately, I’m making myself watch Hoarders to motivate me to clean it so I don’t end up starring in an episode.
βIβm not good enough.β
-Implies this is as good as you will ever be
-Does not acknowledge your hard work
-Ends your journeyPunching the ground and declaring βI…I must get stronger!β like in anime
-Sets goals
-Recognizes how far youβve come
-Useful for defeating the Demon King
no caffeine: day 6
-sleeping better
-stable moods
-less anxious
-canβt think straight
-iβm exhausted
-3 people are dead
ME: I hate him with 1/16th of the fibers of my being
GUY: Not every fiber?
ME: I hate alot of people. I’m not wasting all my fibers on 1 guy
βYou tell Marcy that she can ask someone else to bring snacks to book club next time if itβs going to take three weeks for me to get my dish back.β
gooooob morning. iβm being told. someone came down the chimney last night. this is preposterous. i wouldβve lost my mind
Parenting is watching a foreign object fly into your coffee, sink out of sight, and drinking it all anyways.
Husband is watching a Hunger Games movie marathon with the kids.
Little does he know that while heβs at work all day, I LIVE the Hunger Games with these people. And itβs definitely a marathon.
My sixth grader told me this morning that when his homeroom teacher calls the roll, all of his classmates decided that instead of saying ‘Here!’ or ‘Present!’ they will say ‘Against my will’.
Good morning to everyone except idiots who see you eating your fries and still ask “are you going to finish these?”
I jump from the skyscraper’s ledge, performing 3 graceful somersault, right into the arms of a hot firefighter. Neither of us survive impact
βOh, hello! I didnβt see you thereβ – Translation: I have failed to avoid you.
My location is on so my wife can see that I am where I say I am.
My wife’s location is on so I can hide the drinking glass and start cleaning while she’s on her way home from work.
Her ~ That smells expensive what is it?
Me ~ Keroseneβ¦
Me: what did you get into??
8: [frantically trying to wash his red colored hands] nothing. I did nothing.
The best place on the internet is the reviews of hats for cats because every review is like β5 stars, amazing hatβ and then a picture of the cat looking absolutely furious
Now that I’m on Twitter, I can finally put that English degree I obtained to some useβ¦
If your wife is a school crossing guard, you’re missing a huge opportunity if you don’t tell people she’s into human trafficking.
*Throws up some gang signs*
*stabs self in eye with salad fork*Hubs: Next time you do the Macarena, put your fork down.
I used to have poor judgement before Twitter, now I have poorer judgment
I used to be an atheist until my 8YO started asking for help with her math homework
There’s this guy at work who’s always putting on a sweatshirt. No one’s ever seen his face.
Son: daddy what happens to our poopy when we flush it?
Me: our poopy collects in whatβs called a septic tank where it forms with all our other poopies to become one giant poopy monster waiting on our command to rise and destroy all our enemies.
Wife: okay no.
“Alex is visiting later tonight.”
Alex from work or Alex the astronaut with amazing hearing?
[From the moon] It’s not me, Thelma. Hi Bob.
In grade 5 during biology my teacher asked me “what is in cells?”
I answered my Uncle Eric and Dad and she made me go home.
Today I’m approaching teens dressed like I’m from the future, locking eyes, and saying “Happy Presidents Day, sir” with a wink