me: want to read more harry potter?
7: sure, we are at the part where harry is talking to dumpledore
me: dumbledore
7: right, dumpledore
me: ᵂʰᵉʳᵉ ᵈᶦᵈ ᴵ ᵍᵒ ʷʳᵒⁿᵍ
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[gun shop]
ME: Does this gun come with a nuclear warhead?
CLERK: Haha no that’s illegal
ME: Ok
CLERK: You can buy the warhead separately
There should be an advanced version of Blue’s Clues with more complicated clues and darker storylines.
Here’s a tip how about designing a Band-Aid that you can open before you bleed out WHAT AN IDEA
Will you be my 14th most used emoji?
Them: you’re fired
Me: Well GOOD LUCK dealing with this mess when I’m gone *gesturing to my crumb-covered workspace*
Me: I’m copying & pasting some text & clicking “keep formatting.” no need to change the case
Word: sweet, I’ll change the font
Me: no no keep the font
Word: ok I’ll just change the size
Me: please keep the size the same
Word: u want a different colour u cheeky lil shit lol
My hobby is convincing little kids to say, “Last night I played with the little boy who died in our house.” So far I’ve made 2 families move
*6 hours of Russian roulette*
Me: “I think I forgot to load a bullet in this gun.”
*carries 11 bags of groceries and like a whole mattress on one arm and my phone in my free hand*
very cute girl told me she liked my briefcase and asked if I could text her a link and I said “oh it’s just on Amazon you can find it pretty easy” and then walked away
please lobotomize me
*on death bed*
Kids: I had a bad dream, can you move over so I can sleep with you?
*gets kicked in the ribs*
Roses are red,
Change comes with the tide
Me: one taco without strawberries
Taco Bell guy: strawberries?
Me: no thank you
Rules for a happy marriage:
3. Separate bank accounts
2. Separate data plans
1. Separate bathrooms
What did one ocean say to the other?
Nothing, it just waved.
Sea what I did there?
I’m shore you did.
Laugh, you son of a beach!
Your call is important to us…unless this is Bob again, calling to say ‘I CAN believe it’s not butter.’ We’re sick of your shit, Bob.
i have never seen a chameleon in real life and i dont know if that means i havent or i have
I saw my close personal friend Jim smelling chairs at the movie theater this morning and when he saw me watching he just said “no one will believe you”
I once accidentally broke up with a girl on a broken-down train, when I said “I don’t think this is going anywhere.”
I hope you don’t feel as bloated as you look.
Annnd that’s how the fight started.
my youngest is about to become a teen so that makes me a teen mom, right?
[pizza delivery]
Girl: Is there an other way I can pay you? *bites lip*
uh HELL YEAH!
*pulls out phone*
see that RT button?
My soulmate will be a man who quietly and without judgement watches me buy yet another new plant without mentioning the dozen he’s already seen me kill that week
why I oughta
this could fix me
Me: *Spitting out teeth*
Her: Omg what happened?
Me: I ate too many of them
cant sleep because i keep thinking about the time i went into my garage and saw a raccoon holding a pen correctly
me: I should probably wait to work out, I just ate
gym tour guide: how did you find the breakroom so fast
Probably my best painting.
Your body is like Wonderbread…
Your body is a Rubberband…
Your body is like Disneyland…John Mayer first drafts.