wife: are you still reading that stupid dorothy and scarecrow wizard of oz fan fiction
me: i’ll have you know 50 shades of hay is a true literary masterpiece
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europeans read a lot because their television shows suck
Jurassic Park, but all of the raptors are played by Jim Carrey.
I lost the birth video of my son so I’m at the labour ward hoping to recreate it. I’ll just zoom in close so my wife won’t be able to tell.
I moisturize religiously because one of my grandmas has aged beautifully but one looks like emperor palpatine
You play the cards life deals you. They are Monopoly cards. You are a small pewter dog and you have won second prize in a beauty contest.
Huh, this is a first
Never had an ambulance follow me to the gym before
They must know
really hoping a cop doesnt wander into my room and sees me googling “how to do a hit and run 2021” out of context
To whoever has my voodoo doll, stop making her go to work !
I feel like before a bee stings a human, all his dumb bee friends are like “you can totally take him.”
Try to eat 70,000 small meals a day to keep your metabolism on its toes.
[First date]
So what do you do for a living?
“I’m a florist”
WHY DON’T YOU LIKE THE FLOOR? WHAT HAS IT DONE TO YOU, IS IT BECAUSE IT’S LAVA?
[one tweet gets 10 likes]
me: ok i gotta be careful now about what i put on my timeline. i have a successful brand to protect.
Boss: If you fall asleep again today, I’ll fire you
Me: ok
Boss: Now go and do the sheep inventory
Me: oh no
i was having a panic attack and my friend suggested holding a rose quartz so i stopped panicking and just got angry
Me: [arguing with Tom Cruise] OMG JUST PICK A POSSIBLE MISSION
me: [being beaten w/ nightstick] are u a virgo
cop: GET ON THE GROUND
me: that’s such a virgo thing to say
An apple a day keeps the doctor away unless you try to swallow one whole
The pet groomer didn’t appreciate the 10 dollar bill I slid across the table to give my dog the “happy ending”.
WIFE: no no no I loved your vows I just thought you could’ve used the word ‘bloodthirsty’ a little less
I made the cutest little Easter baskets with leaves and fronds. My neighbor is still wondering who sawed off the top of his palm tree.
sorry i’m late i had to catch a chicken is something i’d never thought i’d say, but here we are
You know it’s time for a pedicure when you can exfoliate one foot with the other one
I’ve had like 6 red bulls, so of course I’m vacuuming the front yard.
Gas prices are so high I’m riding my Roomba to work
Felix went to the moon, took 5 photos. She went to the bathroom, took 37 photos.
I stuffed my mom last night. I know you’re thinking I have an Oedipus complex and that’s gross but jokes on you I’m a taxidermist
[after the apocalypse]
God: *counting souls* I’ll trade you a podcaster for an uber driver
Satan: *unwrapping his third social media influencer* no way man
WIFE: [walks in on me trying on Victoria’s Secret] OMG
ME: It’s not what you think! [shows receipt] They were on sale
WIFE: Oh thank God
*cop pulls me over*
“blow into this please sir”
“whyy dont you blow on THIS officer!?”
*i hand him a flute & he plays it beautifully*
Cramming a band’s whole discography just hours before a concert just in case they stop the show and start quizzing me