Ethan isn’t playing around this semester
You Might Also Like
I’m not naked I’m wearing a hair tie, officer
pilot: ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. we have just reached our cruising altitude of 15,000 feet
guy with massive foot fetish: *visibly sweating*
if humidity has a million haters, i am one of them. if humidity has 100 haters l, i am one of them. if humidity has 10 haters, i am one of them. if humidity has 1 hater, i am that hater.
Unable to stop their phones and washing machines from exploding, Samsung announced today they’re changing their name to the ACME Corp.
What if life is just a big test to see how well we all treat birds?
“I just happen to love birds!” I yell out the window unconvincingly
Oh no. My girlfriend sold her hair to buy me a pocket watch chain and I also bought myself a pocket watch chain.
One time, my dad accidentally made himself a sandwich with catfood. He thought it was liverwurst. When I asked him what he thought the cat on the packaging was all about, he said “I thought that was for decoration“
I got mad when my gum lost its flavor. I chewed it out.
Ancient cryptic thrice-translated self-contradictory texts are the best way to convey moral precepts.
My mom is coming over to watch the Super Bowl so at least I won’t be the only one here asleep by halftime.
“You know what pal, lay your own damn eggs” – jerk chicken
Why aren’t there new pasta shapes? We should be treating pasta shapes like iPhones, there should be a keynote every year.
I don’t realize how easily manipulated I am until I watch a nature documentary.
I’m rooting for whichever animal is in the title.
Sorry gazelles I know I just cheered for your survival 10 minutes ago but this is a new episode and David Attenborough tells me we like lions now.
A family friend recently died, and it got me thinking. Today I’m going to collect all the money people owe me before it’s too late.
The folks who write fragrance commercials must be like “I had the weirdest dream, Imma put it on TV.”
do I regret it, Carol? Hell, I don’t even remember gretting it the first time!
How bout you make like fabric softener and bounce.
Police officer is visiting my kid’s school.
Officer: So when things go bad, who you gonna call?
My son: *raises his hand*
Officer: Yes?
My son: Ghostbusters.
dresses with pockets are great for parties because it’s like having two built-in doggie bags. 8 cookies, 4 taquitos, and 7 fancy crackers for later? don’t mind if I do
it was very chilly during our walk today. when i tried to hop in a puddle. i slid across it instead. i am not a penguin. i would like a refund
[first date]
me: what’s ur favorite word?her: probably “ethereal,” it means-
me: mine is “shuttlecock.”
No you cannot have candy until you finish your spoonful of Nutella is apparently something I say now
A moment of silence for the paycheck that was in my account for five minutes.
How to get a job on Game of Thrones:
Q: Can you act?
A: Sorta
Q: Will you get naked?
A: Yes
HIRED!
For someone who dislikes Bill Gates, my dad sure does dress a lot like him.
Wife: Did you eat an ENTIRE half-gallon of ice cream?!?!
Me: It was getting freezer-burned.
W: I just bought it today!
Me: Crazy freezer.
*person walking on the road
Me: roads are for cars
*person gets off road as I pass
Also me: I can drive. I’m not going to hit you.
Hi, my name is Pan. It’s short for Pam.
Trump is the perfect candidate for American guys who secretly believe they could come out of the stands and score a touchdown