Not sure if i should be proud of this or not, but our employee handbook had 37 new rules added since i started working here.
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Normalize answering the phone by saying, “Caller, you’re on the air.”
So won’t Surreal Slim Shady please stand up, please stand dOwN, please RIDE A TRICYCLE THROUGH A DENTISTS WAITING ROOM DRESSED AS A PENGUIN
My daughter showed me a shirt at Target and I asked where the rest of it was; my transformation into my father is complete
When I tell prospective employers that I’m open to new challenges what I mean is I will immediately find ways to hide in plain sight, arrive late and leave early.
OK…so naked running…
Apparently this means running without GPS, music, and any other tech.
I wish I knew this an hour ago.
Oh, and send bail money.
If sex was my religion, I’d be an athiest.
Me: I’d like a raspberry margarita.
Waitress: Do you want sugar on your rim?
Me:
Waitress:
Me: [looking nervously at my wife]
Wife: OMG SHE IS TALKING ABOUT THE DRINK
Unless someone can convincingly explain why his folder suddenly changes colour, none of us will ever truly be at peace
DEMON POSSESSING ME: Don’t try and fight. You can’t win.
ME: No problemo.
DEMON: But… I’m controlling your body.
ME: Awesome-possum, thank you so much. I’mma grab a quick snooze, and you just wake me when you need a break.
When the sour cream you forgot about in the back of the fridge growls at you, that means it’s went bad, right?
I wonder what went down that day to make them put *NO heavy petting* signs up at the public swimming pool
My 19 year old refers to the show The Blacklist as “The Adventures of Crime Dad” and now you will too.
You’re welcome.
me: AHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: in these trying times
me: AHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: you can count on toyota
me: AHHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: welcome, to how to use a fire extinguisher
them: do you think about other people when you have sex
me: when I have what now
A wise Chinese man once said,
“If a dog barks it’s undercooked”
[inside a tornado]
Dad: wind’s really pickin up
I love April Fools’ Day. It’s the only day of the year when people are skeptical of things they read on the internet.
A girl drinks 4 cosmos over a span of 60 minutes. 25 mins later, she texts 3 of her besties. How many emojis will she use? Show your work.
If I ever had to fight a bear I hope it’s a gummie bear.
Memo means idiot in Spanish. So yeah, I’ve written plenty of memoirs.
sometimes i sneeze so loud and hard i think i’m a dad
You raised me and taught me everything I know. Happy Father’s Day, internet.
Walmart flexes on me by putting two gallons of milk and a cantaloupe in one bag and a single taco seasoning packet in another.
Twitter is the new Circuit City grift 🤣
All those Tarot cards and not one person at Burning Man saw this coming.
can’t stop thinking about the time I got shamed by a rock
Parenting is filled with wonder. Like wondering why your 4yo raced into the kitchen and quietly grabbed a handful of napkins.
Weird how the paranormal investigators always assume the ghosts speak English.
I once asked for their policy on afternoon naps at a job interview.
…turns out they don’t like that.
her: [texts something funny]
me: [types hahahaha]
me: [stares at it]
me: [deletes one ha]