Then my wife left me, I became an alcoholic and started making meth in my basement but anyway take one candy bar each kids. Happy Halloween.
You Might Also Like
single because i didn’t forward that chain mail in 2008
“Goodnight, don’t look at your phone too long”
“I won’t”2am on Wikipedia: “So *that’s* how they make bowling balls…”
If da Vinci were alive today, the “Mona Lisa” would have been called “IMG-20121020-00463.jpg”
Just a few more pieces of cake and I will be the world’s most sarcastic pillow.
All bottle caps are twist-offs if you have a prosthetic robot hand
As a man I’ll never know the what the pain of child birth feels like. But I’m guessing the pain of stubbing your toes has to be really close.
I’m a regular guy just like you. I put my pants on one leg at a time while thinking about how far I could throw each kind of bird while it sleeps.
Imagine having a party on purpose.
10: “What are we doing today?
Me: “We’re gonna make tacos.”
10: “Then what are we going to do?”
Me: “…I’ll be eating tacos.”
The courtroom I’m in this morning is astonishingly relaxed, and the judge looks like a kid cosplaying as a judge. Doogie Howser, J.D.
🙄😏😂🤣
[climbing inside trojan horse]
general: NO, THE WOODEN ONE!
I gained three pounds last weekend and I’m fairly certain the switch to daylight saving time has something to do with it.
i don’t care if it will “benefit our community” stacy. i’m not gonna take off this garfield costume
My public school was so bad the only thing I know about Africa is Toto.
We all have our personal struggles.
Mine today was an argument with my son about why we can’t put a hot hog in the toaster, but then I was like, maybe we could put a hotdog in the toaster…
It’s too bad u can’t safely fill babies with helium. How cute would that be to look up and see hundreds of floating, chubby, happy, babies.
Using a cellphone in 90’s: “he’s prob a drug dealer”
Using a payphone today: “he’s prob a drug dealer”
Did you click the three dots? Yeah, I clicked the three dots. Okay under the three dots you should see- sorry, what? Oh yes, on some devices it will be three LINES. So if you could just click the three dots or the three lines- what? Oh yes, sorry, on some devices it’s a tap so if
me: 867-5309… and this is your REAL phone number?
her: yeah, sure
Whenever I see a family and one child is trudging slightly behind everyone and crying, I want to lean in and whisper, “Someday you will write jokes.”
#damn
pal: what’s your favorite band
me: idk probably rubber
75% of parenting is taking their keys to punish them
And giving them back because they’re driving you crazy
GENIE: u can’t wish for more wishes
ME: i wish u had permanent irritable bowel syndrome
GENIE: *sweating* ha ha then again rules are meant to be broken
Husband: Let’s try to spend a little less money this Christmas, ok?
Me: *dog sleeping in a custom manger. Ok.
One of the advantages of being a man is that chocolate doesn’t control you.
Disadvantage: Sex does.
Relevant: Chocolate is easier to get.
just saw Gravity. excuse me while I go hug the earth.
waiter: would you like a box
me: how is it prepared