There you go again, overusing big words like some kind of tweeting sesquipedalian.
Idiot.
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Mom 1: That’s my little boy on first base
Mom 2: Mine’s pitching.
Me: That’s my son spinning around in the outfield singing “Let it Go”.
The human race: shoots a math problem into space
Aliens: ah christ a species of nerds
GENIE: and for your first wish?
ME: I wish that the end of every bag of chips was the start of another
GENIE: holy shit!
*first day in prison orientation*
Warden: Are there any questions?
Me: uh…any possibility of…say…field trips?
Warden: …
Me: *looks around* oh…like I’m the only one who wanted to know!!?!
Getting married is easy, staying married when all of your drunken midnight Amazon purchases show up on your husband’s day off is not.
[5 mins after being stranded on an island with a group of people]
Me: who do we eat first
Karate Kid taught an entire generation that there is nothing that dedication, perseverance, and an illegal kick to the face can’t solve
My wife thinks she was able to finally get rid of my favorite chair on the neighborhood free page except it’s actually me coming to pick it up later.
I bought my friend a fridge for their birthday. You should’ve seen their face light up when they opened it.
I’m not sure who looks more frightened & confused when someone knocks on my door, the dog or me?
Memories are a bit fuzzy — but regrets? They’re in 8K and Dolby Vision.
The head of my homeowners association told me I can’t burn any effigies over 15 feet tall in my yard, so I know exactly what my next 14′ 11″ effigy will be, hope you like it Todd
Him: I love you, you smart, gorgeous woman.
Me: *Picks bug off of him and eats it*
Most people who think I’m a nice person have no idea that I’d trade any one of my kids for a deep dish pizza.
A guy hands me a lit doobie at a party. I panic and pretend to play it like a tiny trumpet.
I love twitter
Luggage rack or cop car is the road trip game you hate to lose
I don’t watch the news because anchors don’t shuffle papers anymore
make your kid’s birthday party a special one they’ll be talking about in therapy for years
Friend: I’m worried about you.
Me: *pours tequila over cereal* Why?
I don’t get the big deal with falling in love. I fell in love with a steak-Umm sandwich like 3 hours ago.
One of my greatest fears is my alarm clock learning how to defend itself.
I have no idea who these famous people are. We need to go back to three channels.
Me: Hold still. All I need to do is wipe your nose.
Toddler: *dodges the tissue like she’s in the Matrix*
doctor: get ready to say “aaah”
me: why are we on the roof
Hey gang, let’s talk about what has gone right today.
Ok, good talk. See you tomorrow.
Accidentally fell asleep smoking an e-cigarette and when I woke up my whole house was on the internet.
It sounds mean, but my best friend sent me a card with glitter in it, so the next time I see her I’m going to have to punch her in the face.
God inventing the fox: How’s about a dog… but sexy?
Normalise screaming “404 ERROR” and sprinting out the room during conversations you want to end