*Brings Oreos to a Christmas cookie exchange*
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Nobody:
The Sun: I’m gonna make your underwear turn into a damp rolled up towel so you walk like you just rode a horse
My cat killed a mouse, walked away and looked back at me. I don’t feel safe anymore.
I met my wife at a singles night
I was surprised as I thought she was at home with the kids
INSTRUCTIONS FOR HUSBANDS TOLD TO DO LAUNDRY:
1.Know when to hold em
2.Know when to fold em
3.Know when to walk away
4.Know when to run
The trick to taking your toddler to a movie is making sure there is another toddler in the theatre who is behaving worse.
Alcohol is the leading cause of me getting yelled at for being a pterodactyl on the coffee table.
[after losing a rap battle]
me: I didn’t realize how much rhymed with jorts
Her: You need to multitask better
Me: I’m learning to kill 2 birds with 1 stone
Her: That’s goo-
Me [surrounded by dead birds]: And I refuse to work on anything else
A girl named Ruth quit working at our office. I’ve been referring to the office as “ruthless” since then. People are pissed.
I wouldn’t trust someone as far as I could throw them
[throws someone]
ok, we can trust that baby
Me: Which is closer, the moon or California?
Granddaughter: The moon. I can’t see California from here.
VERY difficult to convince the apple store people that you’ve only ever dropped your phone 3 times if you dropped it twice in the store.
‘I’ve been published!”
My wife: Calm down you wrote an Amazon review.
2020 became the year I purchased a printer and remembered that printers are the hardest problem in computer science.
Someone tweeted today that they were “29-ish” and I didn’t know you could “ish” 15 years.
I fill the pantry with healthy snacks and then get mad when we don’t have any junk food in the house.
We’re not supposed to bring snacks to meetings because they’re a distraction, but so far no one’s realized my mask is full of Doritos.
I love surprising my girl, today she woke up single!!
My toddler is screaming because I won’t give him an apple off of the counter, but what he refuses to acknowledge is that is not an apple.
It’s an onion.
My toddler is crying because I won’t let him eat an onion.
[Raiding ISIS Safehouse]
Green leader: Area secured. Over
Me: Apple Turn. Over
GL: Wha
Me: Extreme make. Over
GL: Take that guy out too
Nothing prepares you for the love you have for your children, or for your own ability to say I don’t know a million times a day without snapping their adorable little necks.
The ONE time I actually want to say “duck”, damn you autocorrect!
“Sorry again! I’d love to join the preschool field trip to the DUCK pond”
The only times I go for a jog is when there’s a cute guy in front of me or a creepy guy behind me.
Me: Please stop asking me a question every five seconds. I just want to sit on this couch and rest.
Therapist: Umm…you do know where you are, right?
Me: AGAIN with the questions!!
My 4yo said “daddy, I have two poops on my phone” and I was thankful to see they were just emojis
me: my pasta salad is cold
waiter: it’s meant to be
me: I think you’re cute too but let’s get this pasta problem figured out first
In a marriage it’s always a competition to see who can look busier, hence why I sighed and shook my head repeatedly while writing this.
Me: I need a vacation by myself.
Me, alone on the beach for 5 minutes with my thoughts: not like that.
This gum has my stomach convinced food is coming.
in french Spongebob is translated literally as “bob l’éponge”, while patrick star is, of course, “patrick étoile” but squidward, for some reason, is called “Carlo”