When your bucket of KFC starts talking about the afterlife, that is some deep fried chicken.
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My bra as colander, catching stray food since age 15.
Me: *looks back at two sets of foot prints in the sand* Why didn’t you carry me back there?
Jesus: You were stress eating during those times and got kind of umm… *holding arms out* you know… *puffs out cheeks*
*pulls a tiny monocle out of a jar of peanut butter*
OH GOD WHY
Him: you’re not wearing pants?
Her: my pants don’t fit, OK?
Him: your pajama pants don’t fit?
Her: MY PAJAMA PANTS DON’T FIT, OK?!
How to kill a spider: get a piece of tissue paper, approach it slowly, and very carefully, burn the house down.
It’s October so I refuse to kill any spiders in my house in hopes that they do the Halloween decorating for me.
I don’t know why I paid for penicillin when I could have just ate the stuff in one of the kids cups I just found under the bed for free.
5 year old: Does ‘Cupid’ mean ‘cute’ and ‘stupid’?
Me: It does now.
Age 15: I wanna live in a mansion
Age 25: Ok a big house, in a nice neighborhood
Age 35: *googles ‘Best Months to Live Outside’*
Going viral on X is like winning a lotto during the apocalypse
my grandparents were such a vibe in the 40s
Him: Take them off. All of them.
*slowly unbuttons 50 cardigans
The revolution will be televised, but interrupted by a live breaking story about a new panda at the zoo.
Damn you Jehovah’s, suckered me in to opening my door. Sure,I’ll read your literature, while you read my twitter. We’ll see who converts who
I hired a roofer…
but then he came down with the shingles
Me: kid, you have no chill
5: I do, I just don’t use it
“No, no, I’m fine. This is how I live now.”
-Me laying face down on the floor
You can tell an awful lot about a person by the way they boil their underpants.
Authentic isn’t automatically good. You could be an authentic douchebag.
[1st date]
Me: I don’t mind admitting I find these fancy menus confusing. What does that say?
Her: chicken
Me: no, after that
Her: nuggets
Have you tried sticking your head in a bag of rice?
-me, as a therapist
SHAGGY: what did the vet say you have
SCOOBY DOO: rabies
SHAGGY: zoinks i didn’t even know you could get pregnant
How do you plead?
“Your honor there are 12 jurors & I brought a dozen donuts”
Bribery is illeg-
“A baker’s dozen” *winks*
Case dismissed
I nominate Chris Brown to dump a bucket of boiling hot water on himself & to raise awareness for domestic violence.
They say sex is the best for of exercise.
Correct me if I’m wrong but I don’t think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 3 months is gonna do much for your beer belly.
Fellas,
If you kill a spider while you’re at her place, congratulations. You will be having sex.P.S. Bring a spider.
Me: * spends the day cleaning the house*
My kids: what have you done?!
If you hold a gift card close enough to your ear you can hear the person who bought it saying, “this’ll do”
You know you’re on drugs when you’re talking to your kids about drugs and you don’t have any kids.