You can’t embarrass me. My parents practiced disco dancing in our living room while my friends were over.
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Boss: It’s almost quitting time. Drinks?
Me: In my top desk drawer. Help yourself.
Boss:…
What if all those coins you keep finding in your couch is rent money from the spiders living in your house?
[at bank]
*slides teller a note*Teller:
Me:
T:
M: [winks]
T: Seriously!?
M: uh huh
T:
M:
T: *slides me a lollipop*
A GPS. But for where your story is going.
Whenever I lose my mind, I always look
for it in the refrigerator first
What if bananas turn black and bruised because they run their own fight club when we’re not around?
I overheard 16 tell 12 to come wish me a Happy Mother’s Day. Her response, “I’ve been doing it for 11 years, I think I deserve a break.”
So….guess who has dishes duty today!? And I’m going to use EVERY damn cup, plate and silverware in this house.
An elderly Lady apologized for blocking the aisle at the store. I said “don’t even worry about it,” to which she replied, “oh yeah, cause I was reeeeeally worried about it.”
Guys, I think I just saw future me.
Mechanic said I blew a seal…
Technically, it was a sea lion, but more importantly, how did he even know?
A hug and slap are both powerful but not everyone deserves a hug.
[presses every button in elevator] here’s how Michael Bay ruined the ninja turtles
When a little kid starts crying at a sad part in a movie so you quickly explain it’s all make-believe to make her feel better but she starts crying louder because she just realized all the movies that made her happy are bullshit too.
Accidentally closed a browser with 20+ tabs opened . . . this must be what the scholars of Alexandria felt when their great library burned.
My doctor asked my blood type and I said I don’t really have a ‘type’ I just like blood that makes me laugh
“I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” seems like a great slogan for tequila
When 8 wakes up in the middle of the night and comes looking for me, he’ll curl up next to me and sweetly say “mom, I found you!”. It’s difficult to be upset with him for waking me up.
Difficult, not impossible
My wife asks me to remind her about stuff. That way if she forgets something, it’s my fault.
Sometimes I like to call random numbers and if an older man answers I’ll say, “Hi. I know this sounds crazy, but I’m your daughter.”
Fancy dinner party invitation didn’t explicitly say NOT to wear Spider-Man costume, sheesh, everybody relax FFS
ME: [getting pistol whipped] hey everyone, look at this idiot who thinks his gun is a whip
Stands at the gates of hell.
Waves to my mother in law.
Leaves.
My 4yo refers to any time in the past as ‘last years ago’ which is about as accurate as when I say ‘the other day’.
Sorry I’m late. The door said PULL, but I don’t believe everything I read.
What I say: No!
What my kids hear: There’s a really good chance if you keep asking.
ME: Got here as fast as I could! I have the anecdote!
HIM [dying of snakebite]: Please say you mean antidote
ME: Funny story! This one time—
You can tell an awful lot about a person by the way they boil their underpants.
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: no sir
My Parrot: hell yea I love driving 86 mph without a seatbelt! my name is phil jamesson
I don’t need armpits that smell like fruit salad or “sexy intrigue”. I exude that naturally.
The fruit salad smell. Not the sexy intrigue.
Got banned for life from McDonald’s for asking the cashier if the Filet-O-Fish was made of Mc-Erel
kidnapper: we have your son
my dad: ask him if he has my lighter