All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society’s way of preparing you for your driver’s license photo.
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*first and last day as a therapist *
patient: I have anxiety that there’s an intruder in my room
me: you’re not alone
patient: aaaahhhhhhh
pretty cool how no matter what’s going on in the world, a teenager in a Metallica shirt will always look the same no matter what year it is.
My Twitter crush is 4,762-timing me!
I’d make a terrible meth head. I’d spend all my meth money on Reese’s peanut butter cups
Don’t mess with me. I will pull on one of your hoodie strings to make them uneven.
That moment when you cut into a seedless watermelon and find out it’s only allegedly seedless
My three year old walked into the garage while I was working out yesterday and I may need to rethink my playlist because today he’s telling everyone that “anacondas love honey buns”.
dog: *snickers*
priest: *sighs*
Take the road less traveled. Like, the one with the most mud, or the wettest grass, even if there’s a sidewalk nearby.
-Kids
Art by Pastelkatto
Please stay out of the flood waters. They are busy and don’t have time for your bullshit.
You’re not USELESS…
I’m just saying that 300 years ago YOU would’ve been the one to test which mushrooms the village could & couldn’t eat
The struggle between wanting a hot body or a hot fudge sundae is real.
While I totally believe ghosts exist, I seriously hope they don’t because I don’t want to go to the afterlife and meet someone that is like “oh when I was a ghost I watched you practice fake eating for an hour.”
My personal history can best be understood as a series of catastrophes.
*sniffs glue
glue: I have a boyfriend
Men’s underwear watching them buy more t shirts
[throws salad into a garden]
Go home boy…you’re free now.
Me: The dog gives me more attention because he loves me the most.
Husband: No, it’s because you’re constantly dropping food on the floor.
If I run my fingers through your hair, I’m not being romantic… I’m probably just trying to get chicken wing grease off my hands
I always wanted to be on Family Feud but there were never 5 people in my family speaking to each other at one time.
If I see someone stumble, catch themselves, & madly start looking about to see if anyone saw, I always make sure I make direct eye contact.
If you see a man running down the street tonight, blowing a whistle & wearing a life guard shirt…don’t worry, I’m just chasing my dream.
Murphy’s Law: Whatever can go wrong, will go wrong.
Zoom Law: At least one person on the call must have a screaming baby in the background.
*cleaning Dorito dust off of a crayon drawing of Spongebob* yeah I restore art
Me: Go ahead.
Waiter: Huh?
Me: You’re staring at my hair. Go ahead & touch it.
Waiter: There’s a leaf in it.
“Excuse me, but the sign says ‘No shirt, no shoes, no service.’ It doesn’t say a goddamn thing about no pants.”
– Me, drunk at Target
Starbucks job interview:
“What’s your name?”
“Alyssa”
“Spell that please”
“L A R I S S A”
“When can you start?”
How much peanut butter do you guys usually have on your phone?
[on date]
Ok, don’t let her know ur a vampire.
Her: I think I’ll have a steak.
A STAKE??
[turns into bat and flies away]