People who can’t tell the difference between whole numbers and decimals are missing the point.
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My car has the innate super power of knowing when I have any extra money and spontaneously breaking down.
Sleepless in Seattle starring Tom Honks and Meg Ryan (1993)
My son made us all hide then jump out and yell ‘surprise!’ for his birthday. If you guys aren’t planning the same for my birthday on Tuesday, it’s gonna sting
“LUKE CHECK OUT HOW HARD I CAN CRY”
If your boss asks you to organize a corporate team building event he does not mean organize a happy hour.
I know this now.
Speak now or ever hold your peace
My Uber driver is acting weird. He is wearing a mask and making me ride in the trunk. 1 star.
Health status:
Moved on from WebMD and now watching House for any ideas.
It’s so weird that AI applications keep getting forced on us even though they barely work. It’s like if when potato chips hit the market, every bag was half full of pencil shavings.
Relationship status: Sometimes I have imaginary conversations with supermodels.
Her: What an incredibly handsome and witty thing to say.
My daughter is worse than a twitter newbie..
She manually Retweets everything I say…
To my wife!
cover letters are so weird like bro why do I need to write you some fan fiction about working for you
Trump worked his way up from nothing. He’s going to give every American the same 1 million dollars he started with. That’s all you need.
Kate Middleton is in between Kate Lefton and Kate Righton.
NASA: what makes u qualified for our mission to mars?
ME: i desperately want to be shot into deep space, where there are definitely no geese
When people say they are fairly certain, I immediately picture a county fair, and imagine clowns were involved in their decision making process.
[gets invited to a party where kids are welcome]
*me to my baby goat* This is your moment to shine!
when someone tells me love is in the air 😷
“This is going to hurt me more than it hurts you” he said, without even realizing that he was holding the tazer backwards.
Why couldn’t the Italian chef open the door?
Because he had gnocchi
*quietly waits for the reply guys
One of our insect keepers said she had butterflies in her stomach but she didn’t seem all that nerv-SONOFA!
The first time God made the universe, he skipped leg day. All men were weeping creatures, who ended in bloody torsos and begged for death.
Me: Why did I walk in this room?
My brain: Not sure but here’s a song from 2005 I’m gonna play on repeat for the next 10 hours.
I hate it when people call me judgemental
Especially people wearing shoes like that
The real world does feel a bit like the state of Batman comics right now.
You beat one grinning evil, two more show up, and while you’re fighting them, the first one is resurrected and pretty soon you’re banging the cat lady.
*summoning demonic forces to overthrow the zoo employees*
You know you’re the father of teen boys when a shoe print on the ceiling no longer fazes you.
I love birthdays! My boyfriend rented a special hotel room for us to fight in.