NEIGHBOR: What’s up?
ME {stacking crates}: I’ve enough donuts to last a month
NEIGHBOR: So all ready for the hurricane?
ME: The what now?
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My birthday’s 9 months after my dad’s. So I have to live with that knowledge.
*job interview*
Me: Do you think my plants get disgusted when I have sex in front of them?
Interviewer: I.. I meant questions about the job
My husband just asked if I want to go hiking for our anniversary.
I think he’s planning on pushing me off a cliff.
My boss said he wanted the fire drill to be as realistic as possible, but then he yelled at me for looting. Make up your mind, bro.
My 2 year old just figured out how to block light from getting in her eyes using her hands and now she’s verbally taunting the sun. I appreciate her moxie, but a literal star war with a nuclear reactor 330,000 times the size of the Earth is the LAST thing we need right now.
It takes my husband longer to choose a rental car online than it did for us to choose the names for our sons.
Doctor: [puts my arm in a sling]
Me: wait—
Doctor: [fires my arm out the window]
Me: wtf
Doctor: [shouting out the window] next time it’s a leg STAY OUT OF MY PARKING SPACE
Parenting is cheering on your kid’s winning softball team all weekend and then cheering on the Sunday rain for cancelling the rest of the games.
My jeans started to feel uncomfortably loose so I fixed it by eating a bag of chips, two chocolate bars and some brownies. A woman’s work is never done…
if she’s your girlfriend why does the mere sight of me make her scream “wow” louder than you ever could
me: hi sharks, I built an app that calls the elevator when you’re 30 seconds away, so it’s waiting when you get there
Mark Cuban: I’m offering $5M for a 1%–
me: huh? I’m not seeking investment, I’m just here to brag that I’m gonna be rich
[At dinner with wife’s friends]
Me: may I chime in
Wife: I swear to God if you brought your chimes-
*my bag dings a little as I unzip it*
[Car at red lights]
ME *starts fiddling with the radio*HOT WOMAN: *pulls up alongside me*
ME: *slowly lowers the fiddle*
Always check your candy. I opened a bag of M&Ms and found a bunch of Ws.
[Day 739 of me refusing to admit I’m stuck in a tree]
No I did this on purpose.
If there is a zombie apocalypse I hope that they are thriller zombies because they’re fabulous dancers
[meeting aboard the ISS space station]
Capt: all personnel are-David sit down please
Me trying to open a window cos it’s stuffy: in a minute
ALADDIN: I can show you the world
ME: I’ve seen enough
Just remember Mom, you can’t spell “disappointment” without “appointment” which reminds me I have to be at Hooters at 9 for my interview.
[I open my lunchbox to find a copy of the Magna Carta]
But that means…
[cut to British Library patrons thoughtfully examining a Capri Sun]
My son just complained about how far the guy in his video game has to walk.
We take our lazy seriously around here.
-Come on, it’s time to go
-No
-We are going to be late
-I hate school
-But Mum, you have to take me!
How does the little mermaid decide which creatures are her friends and which ones are her bra
WFH: Work From Home
my brain: WaFfle House
*pushes cart from 20 feet away into cart corral perfectly*
“did you see th-*wife is already calling parents to take the kids for the night*
That’s not a halo. It’s the light at the end of the tunnel glowing behind me as I walk in the wrong direction.
Let’s get married, have kids and buy a house where it’ll either be too cold or too hot for someone every day forever.
promising I won’t get too involved in my son’s little league game but it’s the second inning and I just told the umpire to lawyer up
If I had ten cookies and you took one,what would you have?
That’s correct.
A black eye and broken hand.
My grandfather was a boxer in the British Army.
Which was completely unfair because the enemy had rifles.