But have you tried acting like a cicada and screaming nonstop until someone has sex with you?
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If you keep pronouncing the L in salmon I going to stab you with my kah-nife
The real reason Darth Vader cut off Luke’s hand was because he touched the thermostat
Her: I’ve found a picture of you when you were a baby!
Me: yeah? let me see.
Her: *shows me a pic she took during a previous argument*.
They suggested I elevate my feet and so, I was wondering if your shoulders were available.
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PhewThe Chosen Phew
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: *closes eyes, furrows brow, clenches jaw*
Cop: Sir?
Me: Quiet, please. I need total concentration to read your mind.
‘can you smell what the Lord is cookin?’
– Christian Rock
Talking to funeral home director:
Me: “I would like to have my mother-in-law cremated”
MIL: “Let go of me!”
What do you call a Mexican who lost his car?
Carlos.
My personal trainer said I should have a protein shake every night at 11pm.
That’s whey past my bedtime.
Some of you act like your mom never went out of town and left you with a babysitter, but the babysitter died and you had to get a job as a fashion designer and become caretaker to your 4 siblings, all while you fell in love with the delivery guy from Clown Dog… and it shows.
supermarket employee [scanning 34 different types of cheese]: you sure do like cheese
me [nervously looking at rat in my pocket aiming a gun]: yes, i do
Amy Winehouse’s final album was “recorded before her death.” Thanks for the clarification.
“What if we took the sound of a cow giving birth and turned it into music?”
– inventor of the bagpipe
[Guy on street handing out free fake moustaches]
Me: how many am I allowed
Guy: just one
Me: we’ll see
The conversation w customer service has essentially been
“Hey yall said i violated the terms of service but i genuinely dont know what i did”
“You violated the terms of service :)”
“Aight but whatd i do”
“You violated the terms of service :)”
“Elaborate tho??”
*crickets*
It’s Sunday morning. My 80-year-old neighbor has hiked and weeded her garden. I spent ten minutes trying to reach the remote with my foot.
Are you happily married or did your husband “jokingly” make a beeping sound when you took 3 steps backwards?
*puts on new Fitbit*
*steps on scales*
Welp, this is bullshit!
Me: Which dress looks elegant but not like trying too hard, this or the other one?
16: It’s not the dress, it’s the woman wearing it.
Me: 😊
16: So you’re pretty much screwed, I don’t know what to tell you.
Ok gas pump, enough! Credit or debit? Zip code? Reward Card? Car Wash? Receipt? What octane? It takes less buttons to launch a nuke!
My husband and I have reached the age that neither of us will get up to investigate even the strangest of noises.
I was under the false impression that my kids would stop elbowing me in the bladder after they were born
The ability of a morning phone call to trigger my anxiety speaks valiums
I don’t care how many dictionaries say otherwise, as far as I’m concerned a goatee is someone who’s been goated.
DRY CLEANER: …are these
ME: yes, Taco Bell hot sauce stains
DRY CLEANER: but it’s an…
ME: yes, I realize it’s an ascot
Don’t put off until tomorrow what you can drink today.
Son your teacher called, she said you wrote “AQUAMAN RULZ” all over your math test. [sigh] First of all, Aquaman doesnt have any good powers
Some of these captcha tests are hard sha. Maybe I’m a robot?