teacher: “there are no stupid questions”
me: “ya ok but why isnt the plural of moose, meese”
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The CDC has increased the 3 second rule to 2 minutes.
2 out of 3 isn’t bad. Unless you come home from the park with 2 out 3 kids. Then it’s bad
If they didn’t want to see me twerk at this PTA meeting they shouldn’t have asked if I had any skills I could bring to the table!
Starting to think that adult supervision is a myth. In fact, my eyes seem to be getting worse.
I can’t figure out why my son hates me.
Tim hates you?
No, my other son. I can’t remember his name. I just call him “not Tim”
Before you get on the elliptical next to me, just know that I’m an ugly crier.
Doctor: so your blood type is-
Vampire: ALL of them
Teens think they have an all-purpose insult for uncool people over 30 with “OK boomer”, but little do they know uncool people over 30 are about to deploy our most devastating weapon against it: ruthlessly appropriating it until it’s cringingly uncool to say it in any circumstance
“Necessity is the mother of invention” okay I’m hooked, who’s the dad, is he still in the picture are you guys still together
Fun thing to do: Before leaving someone’s house, ask them if you can take a roll of toilet paper “to go”
Someone at the grocery store yelled “space” dramatically, and I responded with “the final frontier,’ and now I need a new grocery store.
Someone die? Time to get high!
Come on down to Barry’s Death Emporium where we put the FUN in funeral and the RAVE in grave!
(BYO shovel)
Tuna = the chicken of the sea, worms = the noodles of the ground, Penguins = butlers of the south.
Waking up on Friday thinking it is Saturday is like getting a fake ID and learning it’s expired.
NEED SOMEONE TO FILM AN ONLYFANS VID WITH ME:
You pretend to be a mover helping me get my things from one apartment to the other. I wear a tiny sundress and you don’t touch me you just move my things. This does not pay
Doc: “Your arm is broken. I’ll put you in a cast for a while and it’ll recover.”
Me: “Ok, but I don’t get how being in a movie will help.”
I heard a girl telling people that when you cook French toast, you’re supposed toast the bread first and we can’t just be letting people go around spreading this kind of hateful misinformation
This “band-aid” is bugging me 🤣
You: make yourself at home
Me: *throws all the broccoli in the trash*
Two Ways Sharks Can Die:
1. if they stop swimming
2. if they start swimming (into my fists)
The CDC is warning customers to stay away from any form of romaine lettuce.
Deep inside, I always knew that stuff was trouble.
I was really expecting to get murdered by some creepy person from the Internet by now.
I only sleep on one side of my bed because the clean laundry sleeps on the other.
Don’t cry because it’s over smile because you had a solid alibi & no one will ever find the body.
Me watching any college movie:
WHY AREN’T THESE KIDS STUDYING
Give em an enchilada, they’ll take a milechilada.
Kylo Ren used to complain his parents were passive aggressive.
Well, boo hoo.
My dad was actively aggressive.
Just ask my hand.
I don’t get vegetables on my pizza because I don’t like mixing business with pleasure
You can literally say “the night is young” at any time of day or night. Nobody is policing this.
Hub: What time is our movie tonight?
Me: 7:30. It’s 2 hours 50 minutes
Hub: WHAT! I CANT STAY UP TILL 10:30
“Back off ladies. He’s mine”