[dinner at fergie’s house]
fergie: what do you think of the food i made?
me: it’s ok
fergie: just ok? any other word you’d use to describe it?
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Roadtripping with my family has taught me that my marriage can withstand anything except roadtripping with my family.
*First Date*
Her: I was worried you might be a convicted serial killer. LOL
Me; HaHa, LOL. No, I was never convicted.
[phone rings]
“Mr Hughes?”
“Yeah.”
“We need u to come pick yr son up from school.”
“Ugh. Whats he done now?”
“Nothing. Its nearly midnight.”
The first rule of Fight Club is to have a sibling.
I tried a non-alcoholic beer last night and I think I have discovered what my favorite ingredient in beer is.
I’m not a narc, but I did see my neighbors cat on a random porch 2 blocks away, took a picture, and shouted IM TELLING YOUR DAD
When your wife asks what’s on TV, dust is not the right answer.
Date: describe yourself to me in three words
Me:
You can’t keep running away from your problems, you’re getting older and your kids are getting faster.
Me: Do that thing I like.
Husband: Soaks dishes.
Mission Control: prepare to enter the vacuum of space
Dog Astronaut: wait the what now
I’m always punctual, which is why I hope to be cremated and used in an hourglass.
When my husband annoys me I like to say, “The doctor said I need to lose 10 pounds. What do you think?”
When someone accuses me of making up a word I severely chastigate them.
*giraffe getting his daily coffee*
G: usual grande mocha man
Barista: gee that’s a…
G: *sigh*
B:…tall order
G: Christ, every goddam day Phil
all pants are breakaway pants if you’re angry enough
If one ex was drowning and the other was
dangling from a cliff-edge and you had one set of
ropes to save them….where would you hide it?
When I was little I would sit with my grampy and we would look out the window together. He would give me sips of his beer and sugar cubes.
Related: I’m now an alcoholic race horse.
[ice cream parlor]
WIFE: I’ll have two scoops of vanilla
ME: me too, u could say I want an
WIFE AND CLERK: please don’t
ME: ice cream clone
If you’ve seen one Santa, you’ve seen a mall.
the “b” and “d” in “backward” are really just there as an example
Every time I go to bed early my cat decides this is the night she will find and kill god
Me: oh shit I am running so late
My dog: [barfs]
Absolutely batshit that they had one Irish character in Harry Potter and they just went with Seamus Finnegan. Like calling an American character Huckleberry McRib.
#TakeMyAdvice buy a cat that’s been preassembled
My sister just had a baby and I texted the family group chat “oh shit new nephew just dropped” and no one found it funny they were just ashamed of me, which they should be
Normal Person (being inconvenienced): I deserve better than this
Me (being stabbed w/swords): I’m so sorry for getting blood on your swords
Having someone sing you to sleep is so comforting.
Until you realize you live alone.
Bruce Wayne: hey, how would you like to take a ride in my batmobi—I mean…brucemobile?
Date: uhh
Bruce: my regular normal carmobile
Stopped in a country store yesterday and they were not selling any countries. 0 out of 10. Would not recommend.