wife: go see if the baby sleeping
*walks into baby’s room*
baby: corporations exploit our
insecurities for profitme: no babe she woke af
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*spins in chair* Ah, Mr. Bond. I’ve been expect- *cat sitting in my lap freaks out and scratches the shit out of me*
My retirement plan is to get hit by a bus. My pre-retirement plans involves eating a lot of cheeseburgers to become a bigger target.
Husband *seductively*: you know what we haven’t done in a while?
Me: Yeah! Slept.
Husband: Correct, good night.
“I’m going to lay right here in the doorway and give people a dumb look as they trip over me.”- Damned dog…. Could’ve been me though.
Robocop seems pretty cocky for a guy that can’t swim.
PHYSICIAN: some truly wonderful news
CURED HAM: thank you so much doctor
My debit card got stolen at the gym which is fine because i will still continue to go so that I can train to fight the person who stole it
Pineapple farms looks like someone said they were a pineapple farmer and got caught in the lie so just started chucking pineapples on the grass
To err is human
To purr is cat
To grr is dog
To brr is cold
To durr is dumb
To slur is drunk
To occur is when you realise this tweet is going nowhere
[having house guests]
Me: omg I need to CLEANNN
[30 minutes later]
Me: you know what if they don’t accept my house then they don’t accept ME
sister in law asked me to get yellow onion from the store. lady it’s called a lemon
The glittery vampire from Twilight is putting out an album.
In other news, real musicians continue to play for coins in the subway.
Car wash vacuums can suck up old french fries, leaves, 57 cents, car keys, Ray-Bans, your first born but not that weird debris stuck in your cupholder.
Quidditch: A magical game played by aspiring wizards.
Squiditch: The most feared of all the Ocean STDs.
why do they call it involuntary manslaughter and not a grave mistake
Keep your friends close and your enemies wrapped in plastic ready for that long drive to the desert.
Coronavirus Quarantine Diary, Day 11:
[6 AM]
Me [waking Child]: Hey.
Child: mmmph what
Me: It snowed last night so you have no school today.
Child: YAY
Me: Just kidding get up you’re homeschooled now.
Bride and groom: *exchanging rings*
Galadriel: but they were all of them deceived, for another ring was made…
I’m so old I thought “stfu” was a reminder to pack my “shoes, tie, fedora, underpants.”
[Watching Star Trek with my date]
ME: *leans in* It’s called Star Trek but the stars don’t actually go anywhere.
For a good time go up to strangers and mistake them for unattractive celebrities.
Server: Would you like another glass of wine?
Me: I’m sorry, I don’t have time
Server: For the wine?
Me: No, for silly questions
Let he who is without sin throw the first stone. After that we’ll go by who has the birthday closest to today, then by height.
[8 AM]
Wife [walking into living room]: What time did you get up?
Me: 5 AM.
Wife: But it’s the weekend! WHY SO EARLY?!
Me [sipping coffee]: I’ve had 3 kid-free hours of silence.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: Why didn’t you wake me?
Can’t believe how divided we’ve become over an election. It’s not like it’s the color of a dress or something.
6:00pm
Me: Hey, Bud. Getting hungry?
4: nope6:15
Me: almost ready for dinner?
4: not yet6:25
Me: Time to wash your hands to eat.
4: But I’m not hungry6:30
Me: are you-
4: I’M STARVINGGG. WHY IS MY FOOD TAKING SO LOOONG? WHEN ARE WE GONNA EEEAT? WHY DON’T YOU LOVE MEEE?
I’m at a kids fun park and let me just emphasize that the word “fun” is used loosely here.
Why is it called “reading a book” and not paper view?
To impress the guys I told them I was dating an artist. I didn’t tell them her preferred medium was sandwiches.
Y’all wanna hear something funny?
Lol me too