*tries hard*
*fails*
*tries flaccid*
You Might Also Like
Vader: I’ll teach you the Death Star’s power
Leia: By blowing up my planet?
Vader: By showing you a PowerPoint presentation
Leia: NOOO!!!
Already cringing thinking of the number of holiday cards that will be sent this year of families wearing coordinated facial masks.
Tim Cook announces iPhone charger cord to be long enough to reach a socket, Apple stock price quadruples.
My 5yo acts like some sorta food connoisseur when I cook but today I caught him eating bread that he’d dipped in his cup of milk. What’s the deal with that?!
What I heard:
Wanna see who can outstink each other, pick ticks, worry about serial killers and fight bears for the good pooping spots?What they said: Want to go camping?
It’s terribly sad, but the fact that the graphic had to be added is due to the shockingly low literacy rate among geese.
Me: [stands under majestic tree watching leaves fall] This is beautiful
[2 hours later buried under a mountain of leaves] you piece of shit
One of my favorite lies to tell myself is that a blueberry muffin is substantially more nutritious than a chocolate chip muffin.
A fun way to get exercise is grab a chainsaw and chase a hiker.
Do you think I can get a new ringtone on this ankle monitor?
Biden: *picks nose*
Obama: Don’t.
Biden: *makes direct eye contact*
Obama: Joe.
Biden: *slowly brings finger to mouth*
“…so when the plane crashed, we had to do the unthinkable to survive.”
“Eat human corpses?”
[flashback to eating quinoa]
“Y…yes.”
My son is taking a bartending class at college so I think I’m finally going to start seeing a return on my investment.
*loud crash*
15: OMG! You almost freaking killed me!
13: The key word being “almost”.
Having a toddler is a great way to find out how much milk your tennis shoe will hold
well, Sam. It’s been a helluva day. A helluva day! Hit me, again.
i don’t understand the desire to rock climb. we have stairs for that now. solved problem
I hate this time of year when you have to check all your razors to make sure none of them are actually made of chocolate
MOM: [walks into daughter’s room, sees protest signs, history books, list of senators’ phone numbers on bed] Are you… politically active?
‘The cat is up on your counters again.’
~The monster under my bed.
Unicorns are absurdly close to being horses. They are one bone more than a horse.
If you love unicorns but are not sated by horses, consider that maybe what you really love is bones.
Whenever I take my kids to the zoo I think this is exactly where they belong.
Tweet about drinking too much = 50 quick likes
Facebook about drinking too much = A phone call from my mom
Through a telescope, I see a woman on a planet light years away.
She waves.
I wave.
I awkwardly realize she is waving to the guy behind me.
my nudist neighbours are moving away and selling everything and I’m thinking the washer and dryer will be worth a look
“A wine please”
“Sir, this is McDonalds…”
“Okay, a McWine please”
nothing draws me into a true-crime show more than finding out it’s set in my town
“Omg, I know where that is!!”
The Water Board sent me a notice saying that my bill was a year old,
I obviously apologised for forgetting, and sent them a birthday card.
I don’t whisper sweet nothings.
I yodel them.
Him: I’ve never had any broken bones
Me: *remembers his profile said he loves trying new things* Noted