If I could time-travel, forget killing baby Hitler. I’d go back to use every come back I ever thought of 10 minutes too late.
You Might Also Like
Wish I could focus on anything with even half the intensity of my dog watching me eat yogurt.
Calling in sick cuz I got the zoomies and gave myself a concussion
*puts on strapless bra
*takes an extra Prozac
Me: *shopping for turtlenecks*
Amazon: People who bought this item also bought lye, plastic sheeting, and a chainsaw
Piss someone off by calling their dojo a karate store.
Last New Year my resolution was 1920×1080 , this year it’s to be less of a nerd.
2020 is vacuuming a penny, then a quarter, then a cat.
Missionary so I can look him in the eyes and ask him why Ashley from work is texting him with heart eyes.
Welcome back to school kids. Please form an orderly line.
If you don’t already have a highly contagious virus, one will be assigned to you.
My veterinarian asked a lot of personal questions. He was all like “Why do you want so much horse tranquilizer?” & “Do you even own horses?”
“Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?”
No sun.
FACT: When a dog barks at you, it’s actually their skeleton barking.
PROOF: I have never seen a dog without a skeleton bark.
An egg with 28 followers says I’m not funny. So if you need me, I’ll just be in the kitchen making an omelette.
The only downside of hiring a maid is having to thoroughly clean the whole house the night before she comes so she “doesn’t think the place is a mess.”
What do we want?
ROCK HARD ABS!
When do we want them?
THE DAY AFTER THE HOLIDAYS ARE OVER!
Best mom ever 😂
They were so preoccupied with whether they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should.
if you actually do the calculations, it turns out movies always give the wrong answers for equations because otherwise they owe a royalty to math
If Apple ever made a car they would probably have oddly sized/shaped cup holders just so people would buy their custom drink containers.
Hey, I lost my teddy bear. Would you sleep with me?
[dentists]
technician: you want a local anaesthetic?
me, a hipster: how local are we talking?
There are so many firsts you can still experience at 40! Like finding your first chin hairs and having your first colonoscopy!
Teaching 19 to cook, clean, and do laundry so if he ever gets married his wife won’t divorce him and make him my responsibility again.
Amanda Bynes and Lindsay Lohan have a fight to the death. Who will win?
Everybody.
Everything about parenting is as unexpected and surprising as finding a dirty fork in the shower.
But, please, why is there a fork in the shower?
Updating my dating profile….
My husband isn’t being as helpful as I’d hoped tbh
me: turtles stole my pizza today
therapist: interesting
me: they emerged from the sewer like ninjas
therapist [removing mask to reveal shredder]: WHERE WERE THESE TURTLES
I’m so stoned…….. It took me three tries to turn out the bathroom light.
Turns out the toilet flush handle does not control the lights.
My two teenagers are very different. My son always wants money, whereas my daughter prefers the convenience of my credit card.