A job site for heavily tattooed professionals called Inkedin
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GF says my bike helmet looks ridiculous, but I’d rather be “uncool” than fall and crack my head open in the middle of having sex.
The ghost of the little girl who haunts my house was scary at first, but now she mainly just practises her french braids on us while we sleep. I don鈥檛 mind. I鈥檓 starting to get compliments from my coworkers. The dog has never looked more glam
*cleaning Dorito dust off of a crayon drawing of Spongebob* yeah I restore art
I get it, Christmas tree. I too am better when I’m lit up.
Me: I鈥檇 kill for a donut
Donut: Whoa I said I was angry, I never said I wanted them dead
Here me out, Jurassic Barbie.
What was a common name in the Middle Ages? I heard people named their kids Lance a lot
Me: *Being strip searched*
Cop: The dancing really is not necessary
After all the books are banned they’ll move on to suggestive fruit
Robber: If you ever want to see your family again do exactly as I say. Now hand me that bag!
Me: *sets bag on fire*
if you went to a thousand costume parties you would never see anything greater than this
Wife: He’s always lying about his celebrity connections..
Therapist: Is this true?
Me: Just wait til Sonic The Hedgehog hears this bullshit.
Him: What’s another word for pee?
Her: Urinate.
Him: Aw, thanks, babe…and you’re a ten, but please answer my question.
Friend: I don鈥檛 have sex until the third date
Me: ok brag that you get to the third date
When you realize your football team sucks, and you just ate an entire bag of Halloween candy.
Me: what do you get when you cross a bear with a shark
My Dog: bark
Me: wait henry don’t give it away
Me: huh why is Cinnamon Toast Crunch Shrimp trending
30 seconds later: I鈥檝e made a terrible mistake
First woman on Moon:
-Huston, we have a problem?
What?
-Never mind
What’s the problem?
-Nothing
Please tell us?
-You know what’s the problem
just seen a tiktok where this girl asked her bf for pads with wings so he got her pads & 36 chicken wings 馃拃
*carries 11 bags of groceries and like a whole mattress on one arm and my phone in my free hand*
I just meowed at a cat and from the way it looked back at me I am 90% sure I said something really offensive
If my memory foam mattress really had “memory,” it could write for Penthouse.
I wrote a message to my mom giving her a heads up on my carefully thought-out plan to approach my wife about a divorce, and then accidentally sent it to my wife.
There’s no such thing as “fair trade” honey. Those bees are gettin’ screwed.
One man’s trash is another man’s why the f*** is your trash in my yard.
Forever grateful that thought bubbles aren鈥檛 a real thing
Does it鈥oes it take 3 days
Batman-
See, kids?
Even one extremely wealthy white male can make a difference.
nurse: do u want a pill for anxiety
me: no need i already have it
[first date]
Her: I love big hearted people
Me {trying to impress her}: I have hypertrophic cardiomyopathy