when hoodie season starts don’t ask me if i’m wearing anything under because this is what imma do
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Him: I bet you’re good in bed.
Me: Oh hell yeah I am. I sleep solid as a rock!
Don’t worry if you had a bad day, remember there are people who have their ex’s name tattooed.
Sometimes I think I want a third kid, then I spend 45 minutes in a full pediatrician’s waiting room and my uterus tries to escape on it’s own.
“Please let go of my hair”
-my gynaecologist
is there nothing we can trust anymore
thinking about the time someone asked me if there was any dairy in the tres leches cake i got. yes there’s tres
Guys, are you sure it’s a good idea to bring up proof of ownership?
Is it safe for Ryan Gosling to wink at a girl that’s already pregnant or does it like, poke the baby?
A guy asked me out!
Well, a guy asked me if I was going to be the same place he is.FINE, my boss called to see if I was coming to work.
Idea: Always carry around a chicken, so if you’re murdered your chalk outline won’t just be the same old boring shit.
*First hour into camping with my family with no phone*
I have 2 kids?!
*walks in restroom reading phone*
*opens stall door & starts peeing*
Guy (pooping while staring at his phone): DUDE, WHAT THE…
“I’VE BEEN KICKED OUT OF CLASSIER BARS THAN THIS,” I scream at my house
someone just broke into my house and inhaled all my air guitars
“astrology isn’t real” bro we’re on a spinning rock and we have to pay for water. nothing is “real”.
HER: knock it off!
CAT: lol ok
*asks grocery store manager to write a note telling my wife that I looked everywhere but couldn’t find the ice cream she wanted*
I was caught in a nuclear reactor with a jar of spiders in my pocket, so now I’m half man, half jar.
Good Friday. No. Stop, I said no. NO. BAD FRIDAY. BAD.
7: mom look I got my math test back!
me: you got 35 out of 35 that’s 100% im so proud of you!
7: cool, so 35 and 35 is 100?
me: …like I said, said proud…
A guy riding a bike past me said “hey how you doing” just before I called over my dog with kissing sounds, which was awkward but now I have a date
Me: Can I pet your dog?
Stranger: sure
M: one more time
S: uh, ok
M: again
S: maybe you should get your own
M: pet
S: we have to go
M: mine
Why don’t they just call what pallbearers do “The Deadlift”?
Shake up a random soda pop in the company fridge today. You deserve it.
[concert]
Lead Singer: HOW’S EVERYBODY DOING TONIGHT
Crowd: WOOOO
Me (from the back row): fine how are you
Lead Singer: I’M GOOD THANKS FOR ASKING
apparently “spite” is not the appropriate answer to “What motivates you?”
i actually don’t have any problems, i only go therapy to brag
thankfully, most bananas are boneless
Sleep patterns are fascinating. There’s light sleep, where your heart rate slows; deep sleep, where you can’t easily be wakened; and REM sleep, where you lose your religion.
This is ridiculous: “www” contains THREE TIMES more syllables than the phrase it is ‘short’ for, “world wide web.”