*works out for six weeks
*loses 2 lbs
*eats a carrot
*gains it back
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Me: I love the 90s!
Grandparents: we have names
Of course I consume a lot of carbs. I don’t want to get decarbohydrated.
COWORKER: Hi, this is embarrassing. *whispers* can I borrow a tampon?
ME: Sure, just leave it on my desk when you’re done.
Friend: I got an audition for the play that cannot be named
Me: *Nodding* Fight Club
Date: Don’t tell anyone we met online. It’s embarrassing.
[Later]
Friend: Where’d you guys meet?
Me: Family reunion
If its a ghost ship why does it have to be on water
Beauty and the Beast
A big shout out to my cat for hissing at an empty closet and keeping me in the bathtub holding a crucifix.
A web shooter like Spiderman would have so many uses, like I could grab the chips without leaving the couch.
“I’m gonna make you so happy, baby. And then I’m gonna make you real sad.”
– gas station nachos
Her: We had the baby! She is 7lbs 3oz, born at 9:08am. We’ll be naming her tomorrow.
Me: Tomorrow is a terrible name for a baby, tbh.
on a date with a guy who got evicted for chewing through all the wires in his house
Pretty funny that turtles are always in uniform. It’s like lighten up, turtles. The war is over.
I’m giving up sex for lent mostly because I’m not having any anyway so it seems like the easiest and most logical choice for this journey.
Free tip for home invaders: literally everybody with an iPhone6 is out at brunch right now
One pretty good way to pass the time is Thanksgiving is to wait until teenagers are sending a text message and then ask “OK, so is THAT Fortnite?” and also giving thanks for Fortnite during the prayer and also describing delicious side dishes as “Totally Fortnite”
I’m not making a decision on who to vote for until I see the latest results from dogshit7’s Twitter poll. It’s important to have all the facts.
Recipe comment: I didn’t use any of the spices and replaced chicken stock with some liquid I squeezed from an old pillow I found on the highway. 0 stars tastes like shit
Blessed is the one who can fall asleep before the snoring partner
Just choked on a apple…
Bet a brownie wouldn’t have done that..
You can also leave cabbage rolls you couldn’t finish at any fire station. Anything swaddled really.
Why can’t they use deep fake technology for good instead of evil? Like taking zoom meetings for you. Stuff like that.
[Chasing a dog on my bike]
Me *breathlessly* how is he reaching the pedals?!
why is it called a caesarean section and not an escape womb
If your idea of an “Epic” deal is $5 off then we may have different interpretations of that word, Pottery Barn.
DATE: what’s with the tattoo?
ME: that’s Alcatraz
DATE: “prison tats” are not normally of the actual prison building
Jesus: Let he who is without sin cast the first stone
Skeletor: *throws stone*
Jesus: HEY!
Skeletor: I’m sorry. Did you say “skin” or “sin?” I don’t have ears.
[at punchbowl]
Me: You go ahead.
Lady: No, I insist.
Me: Together, then?
*we both pour vodka from our purses in*
[sending smoke signals]
*your*
*house*
*is*
*on*
*fire*
All I’m sayin is that you’re not gonna want my kid doing your taxes after being homeschooled by me.