[poking you repeatedly in the shoulder] I’ll keep this up until you acknowledge me. I’ve got nowhere else to be.
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Open heart surgery? No, just rip it out.
Has anyone checked Kate Middleton’s attic for a half-played game of Jumanji? I just don’t think we can rule anything out at this stage.
it was the busta rhymes, it was the wursta rhymes
Making spaghetti for dinner tonight, so I’ll only have enough for about 37 of you guys if you decide to come over… make your reservations quickly
I know I did a good job dressing my 3 year old when my wife doesn’t have to tell everyone she sees that I dressed her.
[in a getaway car]
robber: what are you wearing i said come in a mask
me (taking cucumber slice off my eye): do you not see this mud?
It’s a shock to me that people actually pay their student loans. That’s a bill I gave to Jesus
Bear mace is like regular mace but you have to buy it at the maul…
Thank you for your time.
I just saw Madonna climb out of a hollowed out tree trunk in the woods near my house.
[first date]
me: don’t let her know you vocalise everything you think
her: what?
me: shit she knows
The family you’ve pictured in your mind, is never the one that shows up at the BBQ.
*pulls away from kissing*
Me: Please insert 2oz of cheese to continue.
I bet the guy who discovered milk did a lot of other weird shit too.
guy: [stands up at front of plane]
me: “please don’t be overbooked”
guy: [pulls gun] “this plane is now under my control”
me: “oh thank god”
This kid is going places
I’m not usually vengeful, but when I am it’s because someone gave my kid a whistle.
14 put my contact in his phone as birth-giver, his dad as birth-giver assistant, and his sister as rival spawn
Mario Kart:
1) stays in first place for 3 laps
2) gets passed by 5 people at last second
3) slams controller
4) quits job
5) divorces wife
The English language lacks a word to mean “To make a spouse feel uncomfortable by aggressively cleaning the house around them”.
I do this really cute thing, where if I walk by a car that has a stick figure family on their back window, I peel a kid off.
I’ve spotted six Pokémon today but I don’t have the Pokémon GO app so it may just be that I need my new meds adjusted.
[seeing a gumball machine full of bees]
give me a quarter
Parenting Hack: Any dessert that can’t be split evenly between your kids is now yours.
Suit: It says here you’re “dramatic” and “nonsensical”?
Me [forward somersault, grabs resume]: Sorry that’s a typo, it should say “sandpaper pickles”.
Damm August got somewhere to be don’t it
“Damnit!”
-a burglar, discovering yet another drawer filled with dead batteries, take-out menus, and pen caps.
[Playing House]
Child: You can be the kid and I’ll be Dad.
Me: Bills are due, dinner needs cooked, and your boss needs that presentation done by tomorrow.
Child: …
Me: What?
Child: That doesn’t sound very fun.
Me: Can’t hear you; busy playing Minecraft.
I went deep sea fishing once and caught what I thought was a marlin, but was actually a catfish with a party hat glued to its face.
Been getting into gardening lately and I think it’s going well!
#merica