Husband: Tell me a fantasy of yours.
Me: So you go back to the office for work.
Husband: And?
Me: And?
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Thinking about the time a guy gave me a literal book of questions that he had answered about himself as a gift, and then didn’t ask me a single one.
Best way to ensure social distancing is to carry a clipboard everywhere. You’re welcome.
Just heard that someone has started digging Fidel Castro’s grave..
Must be a communist plot.
I think we see so many men with long beards nowadays because nobody can afford those Gillette replacement blades.
All the junk foods you eat through the holidays can bind you up. It happens. But I have a colonoscopy coming soon so the prep will take care of all that.
New Year, new bowels. Gotta look for the bright side.
Her: I can’t do this anymore, you need to grow up
Me: *sticking my head out of the window of my Thundercats themed Tree House* Where’s this coming from?
None of my mirrors are working right, they all make me look old and fat.
Fun fact: If Celine Dion sang only the vowels in her name, it would be the lyrics to Old McDonalds Farm.
Autocorrect just changed “loose cannon” to “loser cannon” and now I’m imagining all the people I could shoot out of it.
There’s way too much blood in my alcohol system today
If you’re pure of heart you can put almost anything in the recycling
My 8yo was putting sunscreen on my back and said “it feels like I’m rubbing a pig”, in case anyone wonders why I’m drunk later.
Me having to explain to another kid’s dad why he can’t come to my kid’s birthday party
I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.
Me: I ran into Aryan, who works at the airport
Dad: who?
Me: I ran into that guy who works at that place
Dad: oh Aryan
North Korea shows that you don’t need religion to be crazy.
I love how people slow down and come to a complete stop to read the dammed traffic signs.
It says: STOP
You don’t need to study the dammed thing.
I like this time of year because I can dig graves in my front yard and people think it’s just a cute Halloween display
Me before socializing: “Don’t act crazy, don’t act crazy, don’t act crazy.”
Crazy: “Aaaaand ACTION!”
[World Cat Conference]
President Cat: We have to dispell these stereotypes about cats. We need to- *he pushes his own notes off the podium*
*tree falls in the forest*
*tree pretends to start jogging so it doesn’t look like an idiot*
landlord is raising our rent 9.5% I think I’ll start burying all of my garbage in the backyard
I’m jealous of Gen Z for missing the era of the “cute top.” I once asked a forum about club outfits ideas and everyone said “jeans and a cute top” and I said “what’s an example of a cute top” and they all just laughed and told me to Google it
trying to convince my straight friends it’s homophobic to not buy gay people presents during pride month
There’s a class war brewing on the farm. It’s the hooves and the hoof nots.
[Interview]
Me: Oh! The time I ate 1/2 a giant birthday cookie cake between the store & home!
Boss: I meant impressive JOB accomplishment.
The holiday season is fast approaching. Let’s celebrate with the Happy Triangle Man. 💩
My newest passion is making up sex positions when weird dudes ask my favorite. I’m a big fan of the Flying Lacrosse Kick, but I also really like the Tightrope Nanny.
If by “new money” you mean it hasn’t been printed yet, yes, that’s me.
“Hello darkness my old friend.”
Darkness: I’m not lending you any money.