Sure kids cost roughly $14,000 annually, but think about all the money you save from no longer having a social life.
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Hellocination: when you wave at someone thinking they waved at you, but they were waving to someone else.
A confidential source has informed me that the earth is gonna hatch
I fully support any type of marriage that doesn’t involve me.
i hate when you have to gather 30 of some random item to complete a quest. like when the laundromat’s $7.50 washing machine is quarters only
Maybe Boeing should make their planes out of Legos. They seem to stick together better than whatever they’re using
“dress for the job you want”
“ok!”
*shows up to work naked*
“what are you doing”
“i don’t want a job”
According to my email junk folder, I am a very successful Bitcoin trader.
I thought I was being clever, putting the litter box on wheels so I could slide it out from under the stairs, but I have inadvertently created a Mad Max-esque vehicle which my cat uses to roll around the house, dragging himself with his front paws, the entire time shitting.
Not one person is cooler than the pigeon that just walked all the way into this Mexican restaurant, gently picked up a taco chip, and left.
Thanks for the reply to my tweet from 2013, champ. I’ll be sure to take your advice.
Relationship status: Getting dirty is always a reference to food stains.
If the old Superman cartoon had been made today, the first guy who thought the thing up in the sky was a bird would have doubled down on his mistake.
“Oh sure, the mainstream media will tell you that Superman isn’t a bird, but I’ve done my own research…”
Meow
DR DOG: *applying a cast to a broken bone* Are you sure you don’t just want me to cut it off?
Yesterday my 3 year old had a meltdown & threw her water bottle at our cat. After she calmed down I said, “I don’t think it was very kind to throw your bottle at the cat. Maybe you should apologize.” So she said sorry to the water bottle
I put the “rad” into “gradual descent into madness”
This toddler in line behind me at Target is a fantastic dancer and it’s really starting to piss me off.
[reverse psychology]
me: tell me about your childhood
therapist: *crying* where do I begin?
me: I think my hippo might be dying
vet: sir, that’s a really really fat horse
me: BECAUSE IT ATE MY HIPPO
Me: got my fries just gonna open this packet of ketchup.
Ketchup Packet: haha nope.
Me: come on man please.
Ketchup Packet: use your teeth.
Me: uh what?
Ketchup Packet: use. your. teeth.
Me: ugh fine.
[ketchup explodes everywhere]
Ketchup Packet: lol.
Me: Necessity is the mother of Invention
Necessity (my wife): I still can’t believe I let you talk me into naming her that
Invention: *crying*
I like to forget Instagram exists for weeks at a time then remember and send 83 chubby animal videos to my best friend.
me: so what, you’re gonna be angry at me for the rest of your life
wife: no, the rest of yours
Imagine if Trump becomes President and we are invaded by aliens.
Alien: Take us to your leader.
America: *Looks ashamed* Are you sure?
“You hear from my lawyer?”
“He says he’s working on it, Stan.”
“I’m really losing it, Johnny.”
“Just be patient. You need anything?”
“Acorns, they’re like currency in here.”
I need all your thoughts and prayers, I’m fine, but my niece is staying with us and I forgot how many questions a 9 year old asks
Coaching softball is wild because you get to call timeouts to teach valuable life lessons or sometimes just because your pitcher lost her tooth and she needs you to hold it for the Tooth Fairy.
[Lou Bega voice]
One, two, three four
[Proclaimers voice]
five hundred miles
Boss: You’re late! On Friday, I made it clear that anyone arriving late would be fired
Me: Well I didn’t know! I ducked out early on Friday
If she hides her money in her bra, that’s called a treasure chest.