I have been vegan for 11 years, but I was pinched by a crab today, and I feel it is only fair that I be allowed to eat one (1) of them as retribution.
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Yelling “you’re not my real ladder!” at your step ladder.
Me: *just finished watching Shark Week* Did you know sharks have to swim continuously or they’ll die?
Wife: Yes. Everyone knows that.
Me: It’s kinda like you, but with talking. LOL
Wife:
Me: OMG! Say something!
*trying to sound cool to my son at dinner* bruh these vegetables be good AF
Cher: Do you believe in life after love?
Me: *checks dictionary*
No.
I’ve been on my best behavior ever since the words “you can be charged as an adult” applied to me
“Je t’aime” = “I love you”
“Je t’anime” = “I love anime”
I’m not surviving a horror movie…first of all, I’m not running anywhere
Today’s Forecast: Room Temperature
Tomorrow’s Forecast: Room Temperature
Long-Term Forecast: Room Temperature
I don’t want to kill mice but I know they have to go so the cat takes care of it. When she goes down to the basement I’m like a mafia wife. She’s doing what has to be done and I don’t want to know about it.
If you steal piles of leaves from someone else’s yard it’s called grand theft autumn.
So you better just leaf it right there. 😎🍂
I think my life exists only so an angel can show the successful me from an alternate universe of how much worse it could have been!
#alternative
Currently being yelled at by my sour patch 5yo daughter for “not playing Barbies right” bc I decided to make mine a 9-year-old girl from Brooklyn who sounds like she has smoker’s lung and lives above a pizzeria.
DONT YOU DARE TELL ME WHAT I CAN AND CANNOT DO I HAVE A OUIJA BOARD FOR THAT
Let’s walk and talk.
You go that way.
I like to go camping so I can come home with a renewed appreciation for my house.
I just wish I was rich enough to be able to throw all of the pots and pans away after I cook.
Unlike the sons, the Mumford daughters all married at young ages just for the chance to change their names and hide their unfortunate family history of angry banjo playing.
Sober or not if a cop ask me to recite the alphabet backwards I’ll just put myself in the back seat of their car.
*Roommate recording a lullaby album in his room*
*me banging on his door* HEY!! Can you sing a little louder?? I’m trying to sleep!!
Based on how poorly this burrito was wrapped, I assume it was made by the one person at Taco Bell that has never rolled a blunt.
If I wear a wizard hat and robe to my cousin’s wedding this weekend, I bet no one asks me if I’m next.
If you are between 8 -16 years old and not whiskey, you are annoying.
Recipes that call for cheese are always 2 cups short.
astronaut: we made it. we’re finally on mars
mission control: congratulations! now, the main reason for this trip: do you see any signs of-
astronaut: *sighs* no, no signs of candy bars
mission control: shit
I’ve achieved absentee parent status by leaving my dog alone for 27 minutes
[first day as waiter]
Customer: Do you ever have second thoughts?
Me: *sweating* I can ask the chef.
[At the ferret store]
I’ll take five of those furry slinkys
11 famous chickens who flew the coop, number 7 will surprise you
– cluckbait
I suspect in a previous life I was either Napoleon or maybe some socks.
I thought I was being clever, putting the litter box on wheels so I could slide it out from under the stairs, but I have inadvertently created a Mad Max-esque vehicle which my cat uses to roll around the house, dragging himself with his front paws, the entire time shitting.