My type is 12 pt Helvetica.
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Do👏not👏remove👏the👏exquisite👏painting👏from👏my👏wall👏and👏open👏the👏hidden👏safe👏if👏you👏don’t👏want👏to👏find👏a👏smaller👏version👏of👏the👏same👏painting👏
I never know what to do when someone tries to fist bump me, so I just slowly put their fist in my mouth
[Trying to impress a girl on a date]
Me: “Not to brag but I’m getting Windows 10 for free.”
End of date
Me: I’ve been waiting for this moment all night
Him: *closes eyes and leans in for a kiss
Me: *honks horn as I speed away *
Me: “Hey towel, you’re looking good. What u doing later?”
Wife: That’s not what I meant by pick up my towel. Just hand it to me, idiot.
[ creating bats ]
god: well we already made birds
angel:
god:
angel: what if they were goth
god: omg what IF they were goth tho
My girlfriend thinks I’m at work. My boss thinks I’m home sick. These ducks think I’m fuckin’ awesome because I have the bread.
OMG I forgot to read my horoscope and now I have no idea what life has in store for me today!!!!!!
A stunning example of cloud iridescence, caused by small ice crystals scattering the sun’s rays, filmed in Narathiwat, Thailand.
Credit: Orawan Thongchinda
“I’m giving you a bath, with or without you!”
(and other ridiculous things I say as a parent).
Wow… the headline was intriguing, but the payoff was beyond my wildest expectations
The Wicked Witch was only evil because of her awful sex life. Ladies, you’d be pissed off, too, if getting even a little wet would kill you.
My friend got my girls slime for their bday so I’m getting her daughter a harmonica for hers.
my neighbor: the wife and i are having trouble in the bedroom
me: oh no, ghosts?
me: i want your honest opinion
friend: [gives honest opinion]
me: [nods… but also mentally drops them 5 spots in my friendship rankings]
that wasn’t the question
I eat my corn on the cob like an old-school typewriter. This is how the 80’s cartoons taught me to do it as a kid.
Relax lady, I don’t want your husband.
I just want the sandwich he’s eating.
me: no thanks I’m a vegan
person handing me a baby: what
I ate all of my Halloween candy. I sure hope these kids like Milkbones.
Winnie the Pooh: will u marry me?
Piglet: for the last time, u don’t get a literal “honey” moon
Pooh: pls say yes I need to see for myself
Apparently telling the cop during my sobriety test, it’s not how many times you fall, but how many times you get up was not the best answer.
If someone catches me staring I quickly look to my left & right so they think “oh that girl’s not looking at ME she’s looking at EVERYTHING”
Watched Gladiator again and imagined characters engaging in mundane conversations:
Maximus: ‘Are you going to the Colosseum tonight?’
Juba: ‘Nah, got laundry to do. Can’t wear bloodstained armor all the time, you know.’
I just want to be wealthy enough to not have my windshield wipers sound like a congregation of dying frogs.
I’m sad… I’m gonna eat some feelings.
*6 hours later*
S.W.A.T. Leader: Sir, she’s eaten the feelings of the entire team! She… *static*
*gets down on one knee*
Broke my ankle at 19 years old and didn’t miss a single day waiting tables. Last week I took 3 days off work because my cat had diarrhea.