It took a full year of homeschooling but I managed to teach my children how little I know.
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The “decorative soaps” in my bathroom are glazed donut holes.
Call your doctor if there are more than 4 wolves inside of you.
I have discovered that theirs no popcorn in popcorn chicken. I guess there’s no point in bothering with hash browns then.
Everybody’s big on freedom until they find you passed out naked on their boat
“oh no, this is so scary or whatever lol”
-giraffe in quicksand
“Bro check out that DILP.”
“Where? Wait what’s a DILP?”
“Dog I’d Like to Pet.”
i like to walk around my neighborhood leaving helpful notes in ppls mailboxes, such as, “doric columns don’t belong on a mid-century modern. what is u doing?” or “ur home has a mix of window styles that makes me wonder about the aesthetic you were going for. what is u doing?” or
REAL LIFE JUNGLE BOOK
Chapter 1, Page 1:So Mowgli gets straight up eaten, like, right the heck away.
What if balloons take over and start twisting us into animal shapes?
Him: I’d take a bullet for you
Me: I’ll allow it.
INTERVIEWER: your resume says that you take things too literally
ME: how the hell did my resume say that?
A group of owls is called a flight of stares.
on my last dying breath saying “please… tell her I love her…” and then handing a stranger a heart locket and when they open the necklace it’s a selfie of me
Me: Delete it!
Nightclub security: [rewatching the tape of a girl rolling the collar of my turtleneck up over my head while I’m talking to her] Lol never.
SCHRÖDINGER: *Kneels down* Hey buddy, so… I have some news about your cat.
SON: Is it good news or bad news?
SCHRÖDINGER: Yes.
PHYSICIST: There are infinite universes, more than you can imagine
ME: That means there exists a universe in which all my tweets are funny
PHYSICIST: Not that many
me when my kids won’t try their food: you might like it
me when my kids want to try my food: you won’t like it
It’s the year 2057, humans are shaped like candy canes from years of looking down at their phones. Striped-clothing is always in fashion.
I’m piloting an SR-71, capable of flying speeds above Mach 3. 85,000 feet above earth, my shadow passes directly over a small town in rural Kansas where there is only one Dairy Queen and one McDonald’s—
My phone: WOULD YOU LIKE CONNECT TO MCDONALD’S WI-FI???
[returning toothpaste]
Yeahhh, this didn’t hold my husband’s teeth together at all.
Men are like my peloton – I always think going for a ride is a good idea and then 5 mins in I’m sweating profusely and questioning everything
I was really expecting to get murdered by some creepy person from the Internet by now.
Me: Those shoes are fresh!
12: Mom. No.
Me: Don’t be whack.
Watching a Canadian stream, I just saw an ad for “OK Tire”. That’s the kind of business I want to buy from, one where I’m 75% sure the tires won’t just explode on the highway.
My 6-year-old, describing the ant he saw today
When they ask if you got a minute and then you sit and watch the typing bubbles for 15 min.
Interviewer: What makes you unique?
Me: I’m loyal to a fault, don’t gossip, & work hard.
I: Yeah, so, you’re not really going to fit in.
The popularity of this combination speaks of a world thus far hidden from me.
Gramps: *on deathbed* I feel like Im forgetting someth- *dies*
[2 yrs later]
Me: *knocking water outta my ears**quarter falls out*