My 3 year old is helping me make crepes this morning. So far in the mixing bowl there are 2 eggs, 1 cup of flour and 1 measuring cup.
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Peter Parker having to juggle a day job with being a superhero in 2023 feels stupid. Just launch a Patreon my man. Throw a PayPal link in that Spider-bio
Milk crates are like a Swiss Army knife for the poor…
Need a stool? Milk crate!
A bookshelf? Milk crate! A side table? Two milk crates!
DOCTOR: This man needs blood!
DRACULA: And this man needs soup!
WAITER: Why do you two order like this?
How you conduct yourself when using plastic wrap is the real you
glass half empty: I just found an old banana in my kid’s backpack
glass half full: It’s only 6 days old
[interview at the Pringles factory]
BOSS: why do you wanna work here?
TENNIS BALL: {don’t say to take back the tubes} uhh i love curvy chips
I vacuumed up a huge spiderweb & then heard a thump in the workout room.
The spiders are lifting weights before they attack me aren’t they?
Do not play Yahtzee with squirrels
Guys with balls hangin from ur truck. that would mean ur truck is a man,yes? Which means you like to be inside a dude all day. Lol homo. : p
“Oh Shit, Was That Today?” an autobiography
It’s not cheating. Or money issues. Leaving drawers and cabinets open is the true test of a marriage.
*snorting spilled coffee grounds off the dirty floor* I DONT HAVE A PROBLEM
The problem with family is that you can inherit a disorder that runs in the family from relatives you barely knew, but the money never
I took my meds at someone’s house the other day and they asked if I needed to take them with carbs I said no, and it’s been days and I still wish I said yes so they would have given me carbs
*knock knock*
“Sir, this is the police, open the door immediately”
“But I’m having a poo”
“We know sir, the phone box has glass sides”
“No, Mister Bond, I expect you to… draw tourists.”
*evil laughter*
i am not one 22-year-old, i am actually two 11-year-olds stacked on top of each other wearing a trench coat
1985: imagine what school photos will be like in the future
2022 (the future): adds one neon laserbeam and one fake bookshelf background to cart
The Gym is like Church. Everybody thinks that by going one hour, one day, they’ll erase what they did during the week.
I’m just a girl
standing in front of a pizza
asking it to not have carbs.
Personal Trainer: Show me the hardest thing that you do each day.
Me: *Goes out front door of gym, comes back in*
Before you die, get your affairs in order so they don’t find out about each other.
Starbucks needs a separate line for people who say “um”
My 5yo is a pretty good drawer but there’s only so many t-shirts you can fit into a tiny person.
*Invents silent snack packages. *Becomes president of the United States.
My roomba on charge after cleaning up after 2 kids and 2 dogs.
I sexually identify as a hand grenade
I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target today and, long story short, I’m covering for Debbie this weekend.
Hannibal Lecter: I don’t taste the girl scout in this cookie.
Doctor: ok, just need a urine sample & we’re done.
Me handing him my boxers: I’m in a rush. Just wring these out.