Do not levitate over flowers
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forget nudes: in 2019 we’re sending pics in our fanciest attire. gauzy floral skirts. ball gowns. the kind of fur coat worn by a wealthy lady who has been thrice-widowed and hasn’t seen her fourth husband in some time.
All parents want is for our kids to go to bed so we can watch a show with bad words in it and eat the hidden snacks.
mental gymnastics are fine if you can stick the landing
[on date]
Here, let me help you with your jacket!
*i gently remove her jacket*
This is mine now. Cya
Happy birthday to rapper Pitbull who is 34 today, or 238 in dog years for all the other Pitbulls.
Wife- Don’t forget the trash.
Me *BATMAN VOICE- I’ll forget whatever I want.
Wife- What did you ju…
Me *Robin voice- I said, yes ma’am.
Every time i tell people i want to be a comedian they laugh. See, im that good!!
Bruce Wayne was terrified of bats & he became Batman, so anyway that’s why I became ClownBaboonDentistMan
My life advice is always the same. Wait for karma, but take up kickboxing, just in case.
My cat yells at me like she’s my mother.
If global warming is a hoax, then how do you explain all these hot singles in my area?
Him: Shake whatcha mama gave ya.
Me: *picks up crock pot
Therapist: And what do we do when we’re sad?
Fleabag: Go to church.
Therapist: Good.
Fleabag: To flirt with the priest.
Therapist: No.
Just noticed there’s no comma in “Bed Bath & Beyond” and honestly, a bed bath would solve a lot of my problems.
I don’t claim to understand the science behind it, but I can absolutely state with one hundred percent certainty that I am playing a key role in the ongoing survival of the human race by making sure that each and every morning, without fail, I put my left shoe on before my right.
Don’t forget drink water and get some sunlight because you’re basically a house plant with more complicated emotions
“Ok, guys, before you start calling me a pervert, let me just say I found a great source of protein.” — The first guy who ever milked a cow.
I miss the part of the pandemic when the pizza delivery guy would place my order on a little box and walk away from it like I was royalty.
how do we expect our kids to learn from our mistakes when we’re still out there buying too many bananas just like our parents did
The most romantic restaurant in the world is not as dimly lit as the operating room on a TV medical drama.
idc who house I’m at, i’m drying my hands on yo decoration towels
If I say “Bloody Mary” three times in the mirror in the dark I get a free drink, right?
Dear Diary,
– I killed a man today. It felt AMAZING.
– Dad’s screwing his assistant.
– My sister’s PREGNANT!
– Stop reading my diary, Mom.
A 2yo thought he was sabotaging my pb&j by inserting pretzels in the middle but HA! It’s actually quite tasty.
I don’t want to sound alarmist, but EEEEOOOO EEEEOOOO ANK ANK ANK ANK WOO-OOP WOO-OOP WOO-OOP
I’m looking for a structural engineer to place my house atop a giant pair of chicken legs so when the weather forecast is bad my house can just run away to somewhere more pleasant
Yeah avengers endgame was good but I found out my boyfriend is a movie clapper so at what cost
Italians keep plastic on their couches because it’s easier to clean up the murder scene
My wife is the most beautiful, intelligent person standing right behind me reading my Twitter feed.