her: I love guys who know what they want
me: I want $100,000
her: but stay humble
me: I’ll never have $100,000
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Years ago, I worked for a company that sold sandwiches in airports. I once got a complaint email that someone’s chicken cordon bleu sandwich was missing the chicken. I replied that “cordon bleu” was French for “not there”, and I haven’t felt that level of job satisfaction since.
Cinderella update where the girl leaves her Invisalign on the table as she flees the party & the prince tries to fit it into the mouth of every girl in the land
Wife: I didn’t buy the shirt because it was too crepey
Me: Creepy?
W: Crepey
M: Crappy?
W: Crepey!
M: Oh, okay…
W: You have no idea, do you?
Nothing confuses me more than vegan mascara. Who is eating mascara?
My grandpa used to whip us grankids with his belt, but I know he did it out of love: he really loved whipping children.
Mum to child: Have you got a sticker we could use?
Child produces 6 billion.
“losing/taking virginity”
– turns sex into an object
– places pressure on the decision
– you don’t actually lose or take anything ?“sexual debut”
– exciting
– all focus is on u
– suggests a musical number is involved
Peach cobbler so good you can’t even taste the cyanide.
When I said I was nostalgic for the 80s – I meant the music not the Cold War.
Lord give me the strength to stop buying a sausage roll every single time I pass somewhere that sells sausage rolls.
Lil Wayne once said “got ten bathrooms, I could shit all day” which I’ve proven can be done with just one bathroom.
ME: I’ll have the chicken dinner.
WAITER: Yes, sir. *throws corn on the floor* Here, chick chick chick.
ME: *pecks at the ground* Excellent.
Pete: I’m Pete
Peter: I’m Peter
Me, competitive: I’m Petest
Mistletoe is my favorite Christmas tradition that sounds like a cool as shit superpower.
goldfish memory actually lasts for months not seconds so don’t play that “I forgot about the rent” shit with me, Bubbles
Thank so much for putting the empty cereal box back in the pantry. Now I get to have disappointment for breakfast..
Things that are dangerous-
-riding a motorcycle
-sharks
-riding sharks
Bon Jovi promising we were half way there 37 years ago is why I have trust issues
I’ve been pretending to know what “zeitgeist” means for a really long time now.
When I borrow books about WW2 the librarian doesn’t assume I’m planning to invade Poland, so why does she eye me like I’m researching how to be a better serial killer if I take out something on guys like Ed Gein or Ted Bundy?
Overheard:
The one thing we’ve learned from this crisis is that if the Martians invaded earth, our first response would be to lower interest rates.
[interview to be a valet]
me: hi nice to meet you i’m parker
interviewer: you’re hired
I’ve always been a staunch egalitarian, although occasionally I will eat other birds of prey.
Pillsbury DoughBoy: I don’t ask for much in a relationship. I just want to feel kneaded
Apparently, starting an impromptu game of leap frog with somebody bending over to tie their shoe is considered rude.
Church is boring.
Flock of bats
squirrel: *points gun*
me: what do you want me to do?
squirrel: *gestures at sign*
me: alright, i get it *opens book drop*
squirrel: *makes hurry-up motion*
me: NOT A SQUIRREL!
wife: *handing me a bowl of raspberries* we have to eat these before they go bad
me: that is true of literally every food
So Nickelback is playing a flood relief concert for Alberta. Like those folks haven’t suffered enough.
My 5-year-old got his first paper cut and now he won’t stop talking about his “spicy finger.”