If you’re doing parenting right, you’re running a jail or you’re an enforcer for the mafia. There’s no in between.
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What about “BusinessMyspace”? Nah, it’s taken. Okay, what about “LinkedIn”?
Everybody wants to be wanted, except maybe fugitives.
henry VIII found four more women to marry him after he cut his wife’s head off and i can’t get a txt back
*connects a taser to doorbell to avoid human contact
Windows 10? Cool!
Only 85 more versions before we come back to Windows 95
Parenting is like being a dive bartender: people shout drink orders, you have to listen to their problems, and the place looks like a dump.
*walks into hospital carrying baby*
“What’s your return policy on this thing?”
scientist: don’t touch anything
me: [licked a petri dish already] got it
…20 minutes later
scientist: did you touch something
me: no
scientist: you’re changing colors just tell me what you touched and i’ll save you
me: [about to die] i didn’t touch anything i swear to god
[guy who’s about to invent urinals]
*peeing* i hate having privacy
“Stop counting”—-me to my Visa card bill
Just found out the hard way that they don’t like the poop jokes over on LinkedIn, just to warn you guys.
Madeline was one of my fav things in the world when i was a kid. I wanted to live in an orphanage so bad for fly outfits and to walk in 2 straight lines
The other guy on this cliff screaming at the sky just threw his wedding ring over which makes me feel less bad about losing my kite.
If you can’t be fun to be around then please be a drug dealer
I choose toothpaste NOT recommended by dentists… those sneaky tooth-fiddlers have a lot to gain from promoting one that doesn’t work.
Thoughts and prayers to everyone in Hawaii who finally came clean w/ a spouse or partner thinking the missile was on its way.
*sees guy on a WANTED poster*
Must be nice
A master’s degree gives you the ability to speak with withering authority about why you didn’t finish your Ph.D.
My dad’s advice to me for when I receive unwanted male attention:
Pick your nose
*I gently close front door
Dog: Where have you been?? I was worried sick about you! See that vomit on the floor? That’s because of you!
squirrel: *points gun*
me: what do you want me to do?
squirrel: *gestures at sign*
me: alright, i get it *opens book drop*
squirrel: *makes hurry-up motion*
me: NOT A SQUIRREL!
[Being murdered]
You’re on my hair
Was that meant to be a joke or did you just accidentally spill a bunch of words you were carrying around?
I love my bodyguard. I would take a bullet for him
You never see a church with free wifi. I guess because no church wants to compete with an invisible power that actually works.
My face when someone is offended by something super offensive I said to them:
This fall on Fox:
X-Files Babies.
Baby Skully and Baby Mulder meet at a petting zoo when they both get knocked over by the same goat.
So you’re meant to master things after 10000 hrs of practice and I’ve spent at least that amount of time eating
But I still bite the inside of my mouth
luke: *tips hat* waterwalker
jesus: *tips hat* skywalker