The most I’ve ever paid for sex was ‘marriage.’
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It’s okay if you didn’t notice that I switched my beard trimmer’s setting from 6 to 5. The difference is stubble.
football coach: i need you guys to make a play
(8 months later at opening night)
football coach: wait wtf is this
me: raising kids is the most rewarding thing you’ll ever do
kidnapper: just pay the ransom, I’m not keeping them
What Did I Just Touch and Why is It Wet!?
A Parenting Story
[pulls away from kissing] do you ever pretend nfl players with dreadlocks swinging around under their helmets are predators
[job interview]
BOSS: biggest weakness?
ME: I never know when to quit
BOSS: that’s ok, ur hired
ME: I quit
WORK TIP: Respond to all your boss’s emails with “Heyyyy you!”
Boss said no more sock puppets during zoom meetings.
Everyone romanticizes the past until they get horribly sick and wake up covered in leeches.
Darth Vader- Dark Lord
Ranger- park lord
Neighbor’s dog- bark lord
Marty Byrde- Ozark lord
Noah- ark lord
Twitter celebrity- checkmark lord
DEA chief- narc lord
Brandon- Stark lord
Sarah Silverman- snark lord
Mikhail Gorbachev- birthmark lord
[puts on a song to set the mood]
date: …is this the monster mash?
I’m always a stone’s throw away from my children. I have the forehead bruise to prove it.
My dog, a descendant of the wolf, runs to me and cries when a leaf gets stuck to his paw
People don’t know this but there’s no section in the criminal code that prohibits you from training pigeons to pick pocket tourists.
WIFE: This summer I’m banning you from wearing those shorts with pockets.
ME: *barely audible* embargo pants
HER: Get out
i don’t like little dogs. i draw the line at ever having to say “we’ll go outside later, Brutus. there’s an owl out there.”
College graduates look awfully happy for people who’ll never have an entire summer off again.
can I use a minion as a tampon
Oh god I decided to look cute instead of wearing stretchy clothes and now I’m being bisected by the waistband of my pants and I have such regrets
“Sir can I ask you why you’re smoking TWO huge cops?”
Blunt, i’m
*turns to camera*
Doing this tweet wrong
*Blunt just stares in confusion*
Therapist: Did someone refer you to me?
“Yes, everyone.”
12 called me when he was out last week. i answered and he seriously goes “hi. this is seth. your son”. does he already think i have dementia? or worse..DO I AND I DON’T KNOW IT?
Don’t believe anything a weatherman says until he takes off the jacket and rolls up the sleeves.
and on the 8th day, god created a website for u to meet the hot christian singles in ur area
No matter how prepared you think you are,
a retractable vacuum cord will always find the weakness in your defense.
yeah we love eachother, but you know what would really add some spice to this relationship…. the government
9yo: “Mom, I’m so nervous to go out in public…”
Me, mentally stretching as I prepare for a convo about gun violence, racism, stranger danger…
9yo: “I just keep thinking that a bird might think my hair is french fries and swoop and grab it.”