Monster under the bed: Look, I was going to scare you but this is sad. You’ve been in bed for 15 hours.
Me: I’ll go to the restroom after the next episode is over.
Monster: You said that last episode, I just want to go see my kids.
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mary: my water broke
joseph: why do I smell grapes
YOU’VE GOTTA BE SHITTING ME, CAROL.
*grabs face*
*whispers*
You’re goddamn right I have a few minutes to hear about your new pedometer.
Dove: Dad, what’s my name mean?
Me: It’s the symbol for love
Swallow: What about mine?
Me: Umm, true love.
this country is so goddamn polarized
It’s a good thing we invented calculus before we invented software patents otherwise every time anyone wanted to calculate the center of a mass we’d have to pay the Newton Estate like 12 cents.
I’m going to try and be less of a people pleaser, is everyone ok with that?
Adobe update is ready to install *gazes longingly into the distance*, but I don’t think I am.
Blizzard after 3 years of Overwatch lore development
If you see me longingly looking at you at the pub, i’m just wondering if you’re going to eat all those nachos?
Leaf blowers… making leaves your neighbor’s problem since 1977.
In 3rd grade I cheated off my friend Rena’s test because I didn’t know where Washington DC was. Turns out she didn’t know where it was either.
The car you buy should say something about you, and not just ramble on about itself like you’re not even there.
My boss: Why are you hiding behind the potted fern?
Me:
My boss: don’t be silly. Come out so we can complete your appraisal.
Me *makes nervous fern noises*
I guess all my problems started when my buddy broke his arm over the weekend but Monday there wasn’t any space left for me to sign it
While I was finally sleeping peacefully (adjusting to the 6 hr time diff), my husband got up, knocked over a suitcase, accidentally turned on every light in this hotel room, went to the bathroom, and then came back to bed and fell immediately back to sleep. So, I’m AWAKE NOW.
[When Harry Met Sally, 1989]
HARRY: Hey
SALLY: Sup
*roll credits*
Girl: Gonna keep having sex with this guy until he changes for me
Guy: Can’t believe she keeps having sex w/me I better not change a thing
Do you think my husband will be mad when he sees how creatively I’ve killed the lawn?
Always a bit depressed when I pass my ex’s house and see that it still hasn’t burned to the ground.
The best and most reliable advice I can offer is add bacon.
Cop: There’s been another break in at the bakery.
Swan: I wouldn’t know anything about it.
Cop: *hands him a bread roll*
Swan: Word at the pond is that ducks did it, but you didn’t hear it from me.
Doctor: The surgery was a success and your husband should wake up in a few hours.
My wife: I thought you said this surgery didn’t require for him to be unconscious?
Doctor: It didn’t but he started talking and-
My wife: I understand.
I’m trying to be more fit these days, so now I walk inside the store to buy my donuts instead of using the drive-thru.
wife: it doesn’t start until 4, why are we leaving so early?
me: i have to set up the grill and tap the keg in the parking lot for the tailgate party
wife: that’s not a thing at funerals
I like the new game of thrones show but I don’t think the laugh track is necessary
Almost every branch of science has a pseudoscience associated with it: chemistry and alchemy, astronomy and astrology, math and economics…
You slid into my DM’s and now you mean to tell me you’re not gonna divorce your wife, uproot your life and leave your family FOR ME!? HOW DARE!
triple bad room means you have to sleep with the owner’s grandma. who likes her feet rubbed. with butter.
my fitbit gives me like 1000 steps every time I sit and fold laundry and it’s just nice to finally be appreciated
Boss: You should have been here at 7.
Me: Ohhhhhhh! What happened at 7?