Everyone has beautiful pics posted. Where are the losers? I’m leaving.
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[tsunami approaching]
guy: RUN
me: wait why is the T silent
Boss: Can you send the documents
Me: I am sinking in the muck of a swamp of ancient pain
Boss: Ok just don’t forget to send the documents
“Well, this is no good. How do I turn it off?” – The first primate to experience consciousness
Though I hear their
Helpless cries
I eat
date: so how are you?
me: I’m doing good! how are-
guy behind me: you mean you’re doing “well”
date: who the hell is that
me: I told you I had a corrections officer
I’m sorry to hear your uncle was run over by a boat in Venice. My gondolences.
All amusement parks are abandoned amusement parks right now. The Scooby Doo crew must be overwhelmed.
“?leef uoy ekam taht did woh dnA”
– reverse psychology
I think the Monday after Sunday should always be a day off.
My girlfriend says she wants a fairy tale wedding. Anyone know where I can get hold of a bear costume and 50lbs of porridge?
“Daddy, I-”
*presses button for soundproof backseat divider
Wife: “HOW MUCH DID-”
*presses button for soundproof passenger seat divider
[face pressed against the glass case in the butcher shop] This is a bad zoo
Calm down! I’m not officially late until I actually get there.
Having teens is fun because they demand their independence but then turn right around & ask you for $20.
Me: I’d like to make an appointment for my son.
Doctor’s office: Please hold.
Me: Okay.
Doctor’s office: What is child’s date of birth?
Me: Please hold.
Toddler: *crawling across the desert*
Kind stranger: *offers water*
Toddler: No, red cup!
Remember to look both ways before crossing a woman.
The older I get, the more I understand why Squidward is always so annoyed.
Instead of Wordle, I call it Word Without Friends.
My kids have been joking for weeks about a new pokémon called puke-achu and then they got the stomach flu and brought it to life
Him: Well, this has been a magical evening.
Me: *dragging goat carcass out of pentagram carved into floor* It really has been, thank you.
Detective: We’re going to need to confiscate your phone and computer, look through your browsing history for anything that might be relevant.
Me: I’d rather just confess.
Detective: To what?
Me: Whatever
[my first day as a 911 operator]
*eating peanut butter with a spoon* 911 wath er mumergy
“why aren’t you in a relationship?”
(points to large stack of books) “uh what do you call this?”
“Wow, more ABBA. Shocking.”
-anyone on road trips with me
Triscuits are great because it reminds us that our gums can get splinters too.
*getting murdered*
WAIT!!!!!!!
*buys new underwear and put them on.*
*flosses*
*sets phone on fire*Okay, proceed.
Couldn’t remember the name ‘komodo dragon’ earlier so I called it a biguana.
me: doctor said I have to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal bed