A pregnant pause is like a regular pause but it doesn’t have a period.
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Chaos Theory or how my wife describes my dishwasher loading technique…
My scariest campfire story is about the time I held a flashlight under my chin to tell one and everybody started counting my whiskers…
I have been using teeth whitener, and now they are completely oblivious to the experiences and sufferings of other peoples.
My son has been awake for 15 minutes which means he’s been telling me all about his favorite video game for 15 minutes.
I’m so thankful for the guy who pressed the crosswalk button 10x after watching me push it.
I bet his will be the winning push that saves the day.
When you have to marry your mother-in-law
Therapist: What’s your earliest memory?
Me: Crying to my mom when I couldn’t find my shoes
Therapist: So around what, five?
Me: Seven this morning
First time at a chinese supermarket. Staff: “What u want?” Me: “What’s dead?”
Do any ear experts follow me? I clean my ears like once a week and it always looks like someone makes toffee in there. My question is this: is that toffee
me: “it hurts when i pee”
doctor: “quit peeing on my desk and ill stop hitting you!”
My son fell asleep early, so I’m going to live like I did before having kids!
*cooks on front burner of the stove*
My 8yo (a qualitative soul): How cool is THAT!!
Me (a quantitative soul): *reaches for thermometer*
My daughter put on a princess dress and asked if I had any “play pretend” outfits so I put on workout clothes.
When she stops crying and gets really quiet, keep your guard up. You’re experiencing what scientists refer to as “the eye of the shitstorm.”
What I really need is a visit from the ghost of christmas don’t cut your own bangs.
*cooking omelette for GF*
Me: “Want extra cheese, babe?”
Gf: “Sure baby”
*slowly turns up Aerosmith’s ‘I Don’t Wanna Miss a Thing’*
For sale: chocolate aeroplane, mint condition.
Husband: *passes hearing test* Please tell my wife that I failed.
Me: [from the waiting room]
I heard that!
Atleast it’s not a pyramid scheme 🤷🏼♀️😂
Karen, will you marry me?
“Ugh. No. Please take me home.”
*20 minutes of awkward silence as hot air balloon slowly descends*
I am literally the only one at this baby shower who turned up with champagne & a coat hanger.
My therapist thinks I should keep coming in for at least one more washer & dryer
*sees baby*
*feels sad that my kids aren’t babies anymore*
*sees look of exhausted despair in baby’s parents eyes*
*sadness evaporates*
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but it’s time to throw out that tater salad from Thanksgiving
Teens – Slay all day
20s – Rosé all day
30s – Bidet all day
40s – Bengay all day
If I could go back and do it all over again I’d be born into money
Dad: You can count cards?! I’m going to be rich!
[Casino]
Me: *Whispering* there are 52 cards
[slowly rises from trashcan while 2 friends are making plans without me]
i am also free that day.
[5 mins after being stranded on an island with a group of people]
Me: who do we eat first
Black and white films:
MAN: You there, young man!
A FORTY YEAR OLD MAN: Yes?