My dog peed in his pool and then laid down in it and I thought that was awful until I remembered my last trip to the lake.
You Might Also Like
Some say their relationship is built on trust. Others, friendship. Mine is built on an ancient Indian burial ground.
Forever in awe of dads who eat at buffets like they have a personal vendetta against the owners. They’re out there trying to bankrupt those guys by getting 14 plates of orange chicken
Probability tells you that a toddler has a 50-50 chance of putting their shoes on the correct feet. Parenting tells you otherwise.
Charlie Brown grew up to become a good grief counselor
Sleeping Beauty is my favorite story about how any sweet princess will activate her fire breathing dragon if you wake her up from a nap.
Me: *being possessed* Ew, do you always feel like this?
if i saw a ufo i would simply identify it. not that big of a deal
ME: judging by this blood stain the murderer appears to have been a turkey
ACTUAL POLICE OFFICER: That’s a hand print
You’ll use a different oven for the pizza, right? RIGHT?
Why do I have to steal the Death Star plans?
Nothing this big stays secret.
Just Google them.
There’s probably a torrent somewhere.
Murder is like cilantro. You either love it. Or it tastes like soap.
My husband just emptied all the bathroom garbage cans, and I’ve never been more suspicious.
If I give up my seat for you on the bus, it’s my right to stand in front of you and stare down your blouse. I think it’s in the Bible.
god I hope there’s no such thing as reincarnation I’m way too tired to do this again
Give a man a fish, and you feed him for a day. Feed a man to the fishes, and you’ll never have to share your food again.
Hate it when I’m fighting a guy and we create a cloud of dust and then he casually steps out and it’s just me in there.
I have many hidden talents. Just wish I could find ’em.
Me: I’m so over him
Vodka: No you’re not, you should text him
Me: Really?
Vodka: Yes! 25 times
Started sex work and one of my clients came to my house, she complained that it’s too hot. She asked “don’t you have AC?”
I said no… OnlyFans
Good morning, a spider’s favorite music app is Spotafly and your day can only get better from this joke forward Happy Thursday
After 12 years of marriage we no longer spoon. We chopstick.
I hate dealing with fresh garlic. Each individual clove with their little f***ing paperwork.
The first step to forgiveness is acknowledging that the other person is a complete twat.
Financial Advisor: You should think about diversifying your assets.
Me: You mean like buying shorts that aren’t cargo?
Watching Grey’s Anatomy teaches me that if I’m really sad, I should walk slowly down a corridor to a Snow Patrol track.
6, during a homeschool lesson: Mommy, Grandma says it’s a good thing you didn’t become a teacher…
Me: Well, Grandma’s probably right.
6:…but that you should have done SOMETHING with your life.
I need a treadmill with a reward system.
Run 10k, here’s a pizza.
DATING TIP: Pick up the check. Pick up the table. Pick up the chairs and the waitress and the bartender. Everyone loves upper body strength.
I told my bf if he keeps forgetting to say “bless you” when I sneeze I’m going to just go ahead and let that old lady, nagging demon in.
He said “so what would be the difference?”
If anyone asks, you haven’t seen him in two weeks either.